118. The Dinosaur Poetry Gap


January 24th, 2022

59 mins 41 secs

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  • When I was a kid I hated gym class. Now I'm kinda sad that no one forces me to play sports on a semi-regular basis
  • How long is it polite to stare at a person before it gets weird for you, specifically (assuming they haven't seen you).
  • When asked why some people find her music to be spiritual, Enya explained that "It's the amount of reverb we use."
  • "Eighty Million Years Ago," by Bill Watterson
  • Untrue facts about human anatomy
  • Things that have been on your "I'm gonna do it" list for 10+ years, that you will in fact probably never get around to doing
  • Why do cows have four stomachs but only one butthole?


  • Space Warlord Organ Trading Simulator.
  • As many digits as you can imagine.
  • The trope where you change costumes at a party to make people think you are more than one person.
  • Your game's extremely long title breaking Steam's web site.
  • Petting dogs using a different hand each time.
  • A cat person who made a game about dogs.
  • A giant person insisting that you go outside and play sports.
  • When seagulls are full grown but they haven't realized they're adults yet so they're still begging other seagulls for food.
  • A teenager realizing that they are now bigger than their parents and could beat the shit out of either of them at any time.
  • Remembering that you enjoyed basketball in grade school and deciding to play basketball as an adult and realizing that the only adults who are still playing basketball are a thousand times better than you are.
  • Observing and fearing that you will be observed in turn.
  • Trying to predict who will decide you are a creep.
  • Deciding whether you are a creep vs. letting others decide.
  • Watching an elderly person for as long as they are still alive.
  • Staring at someone forever in a nursing home and nobody gives a shit because there's no staring time limit in a nursing home.
  • PvP for Perverts.
  • Finding white papers to determine how long it's safe to stare at strangers under various conditions.
  • Knowing everything you need to know about someone after seeing them for 1/10th of a second.
  • Paying doppelgangers to do good deeds so people instinctively associate your appearance with good deeds.
  • The Serious Batmans.
  • A guy who is the Penguin who was raised by penguins.
  • Figuring out how to make everybody feel every emotion all the time.
  • Your own voice being very small but the voices you hear being really big.
  • Listening from inside the Gregorian chanter's mouth.
  • Finding a dungeon in which to sacrifice your goats.
  • The Church of Satan asking to put their goat on display.
  • Picking the most terrifying name for your rationalist philosophy.
  • A 10 year old putting the Transformers movie on hold at the local library.
  • A 30 minute toy commercial that somehow got run on television.
  • Watching Optimus Prime die.
  • A surprisingly queer road trip impacting robot-kind through time and space.
  • Transformers: More Than Meets The Eye.
  • Chasing after a glowing cube that's going to give you power.
  • Edison making documentary about electrocuting an elephant to prove that DC power is dangerous.
  • Falling in love with a pigeon with laser eyes.
  • The Christmas story where bloodthirsty reindeer are stalking Rudolph and he hides in a closet and they spot the light glowing under the door.
  • Giving your child the talk about where Fortnite skins come from.
  • The Santa FPS where your gun is all the reindeer and instead of muzzle flash Rudolph's nose glows.
  • A ripped Santa Claus running over Peter Parker.
  • Fore and aft serrations.
  • Dawdling by the candy shop and being devoured.
  • The terrible secret of Ragnasaurth's bones.
  • Taking back the soul of the nation via Tyrannosaur poetry.
  • TikTok? More like "tick tock it's time to write some dinosaur poetry."
  • How neurotransmitters definitely don't work.
  • The volunteer who proved that if you uncoil all the blood vessels in the human body they will reach the moon and back seven times.
  • All your serotonin languishing under a heat lamp because whoever runs the diner in your brain is a real dick.
  • How to convey facial expressions via sound effects in an audio medium.
  • Gymnasts getting hiccups by rotating too much and having to rotate the other way to cure them.
  • Not being old enough to have a bucket list.
  • Fried butter.
  • Waiting on tenterhooks for when it's ok to eat fried butter again.
  • Deciding on your deathbed to take a bath in butter.
  • Learning enough about tubes that you can hack the IV bag whenever you want to get more opiates.
  • Two-socks McGillicuddy.
  • Whether the guy's name is Fried Jesus or Fried Jesus.
  • When you saw one set of footprints in the sand it was because you collapsed thirty miles back.
  • Loss-leader churros.
  • A really ethical company in a sea of Wal-marts.
  • The pros and cons of having four stomachs in sequence vs. four stomachs in parallel.
  • The cow not being impressed by the extra buttholes you installed at first, but later thanking you when it needs to propel itself around in microgravity.
  • How much of your surface area needs to be butthole before you are yourself considered a butthole.
  • A 76% butthole being.
  • If the new butthole is shaped like a smiley face, does that mean the cow is happy?
  • Professional with a capital p.
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