119. Book 'Em, Dildano

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Lords:

• Jenni
  • @horsewizrd
• Chris

Topics:

• The coming schism between Wordle purists & Wordle metagamers
• Amazon kindle fantasy best-sellers is ruled by niches that nobody outside of kindle or Royal Road users have heard of
  • https://www.sbnation.com/a/17776-football
• In high school I knew a guy who, one time, managed to use up all the ink in a ball-point pen. The ink tube in there was just totally empty, it was astonishing. Nowadays whenever we run out of olive oil I get the same thrill. I did it! I used all the oil!
• The Tiger, by Nael, Age 6
  • https://twitter.com/826DC/status/966009025090473985
• Why can't Wizards or any of the clones figure out how to make D&D fun to play at high levels? Why is this an unsolved design?
• Zardoz & Barbarella have similar energy except Zardoz comes across as sincere & Barbarella comes across as falsely ironic to hide the sincerity

Microtopics:

• Jim's sip of tea.
• Making your husband Sleepytime tea so he goes to sleep while recording the podcast.
• Making a video of yourself arguing with your cooking teacher to post to social media.
• What is a Wordle?
• The Wordle sheriff joke.
• Muting the green block emoji so you stop seeing all the Wordle bragging.
• How to improve Wordle's psychic damage output.
• Wordle except instead of five letters it's five abstract concepts.
• Paranormal reverse-harem.
• Pricing your paranormal reverse-harem book at $250 and discounting it 99% so users are like "paranormal reverse-harem for $2.50? I can't afford not to!"
• All the topics you can't sell books about on Amazon and all the coded tags you use to sell them anyway.
• Whether Amazon will ban your book as containing bestiality if the genitalia is on the human side of the minotaur.
• A horse with human intelligence with a penis growing out of its back, and whether anyone has sex with the penis.
• The liminal space between bestiality and reverse-bestiality.
• Arguing in traffic court that your car is just a collection of atoms and the distinction between those atoms and those of the world it's traveling with respect to exists entirely in our minds.
• Doing a crime just to go to Horse Court and see that horse judge you.
• Admitting that you are That Guy.
• Sending your pens to the pen dimension.
• Graduating from high school and discovering that the weird lump on the knuckle of your middle finger isn't just you having a weird skeleton.
• Writing good handwriting.
• Refilling the salt pig from the salt cylinder.
• When the sauce is burning and the only solution is to salt it right now.
• Going to Horse Court to decide which of you bought the pepper grinder.
• Popular with the robots.
• Whether the poem works on a third level.
• Writing the best poem.
• Viral Poetry Sensation "The Tiger."
• An "invisibility cloak" which is just an empty hanger.
• A magic supply store where half the items are just jokes on the purchaser.
• The adult poetry workshop where you drink a glass of wine and transcribe "The Tiger" by Nael, age 6, then take it home and show it to your parents.
• Trying to look at the thumb tips your friends are going on about.
• Braving Omicron to buy a thumb tip.
• Hypnotizing a napkin.
• A magic trick where you make a rubber band disappear, but only for yourself.
• Aging two years while dead.
• Whether Nethack's difficulty curve is better than D&D's.
• A weird combination of spells that is broken in a non-numerical way.
• What the wizard did when the spaghetti-os were on too high a shelf to reach.
• Letting the players fight Thor even though you know they'll figure out a way to kill Thor.
• Thor swinging his hammer and killing you without having to roll any dice because Thor doesn't have stats.
• The Dying Earth series by Jack Vance.
• Godlike wizards feuding over who took the leftovers out of the office fridge because they ran out of real problems to solve.
• The Dying Earth series by Jack Vance, except with football.
• That Insidious Beast by Zack Parsons.
• Instructions for a fruit.
• There is no Antimemetics Division, by qntm.
• Counterfeit Monkey by Emily Short.
• Sean Connery in a red diaperkini.
• The big head that floats around and vomits guns and explains how guns are better than penes.
• When they invented the concept of copies of movies.
• Your deal with the devil where if you fail to make Lord of the Rings you have to make Zardoz, but you succeed you get to make King Kong.
• Scantily clad rocket people.
• Barbarella lying in a thumb harp being yelled at by a dude wearing a Dalek and reading from a piano roll.
• Learning how to draw by looking at promotional shots from Barbarella.
• Mario fanfiction through the lens of Cyberpunk.
• Whether they have sarcasm in Japan.
• Tom Nook slapping his own nipples for ten hours.