28. Stealing The Dead Skunk Back And Forth Forever

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May 4th, 2020

54 mins 1 sec

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About this Episode

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Lords:

  • April is a beast lord and Jim's wife. @AprilSaur
  • Ryan is somehow also Jim's wife? @RyanIkeComposer

Topics:

Microtopics:

  • Making a good dad joke on twitter.
  • The ravens that have been building a nest behind your corpyard at work.
  • The squabbling raven couple next door.
  • Being the neighbor who didn't call animal control.
  • Trying to remember the names of Odin's ravens.
  • Distributing podcast episodes in a post-internet wasteland.
  • The kid in middle school who guessed you were from New York because of how you say "basketball."
  • Why Jim is such a coward.
  • Reaching deep into the topic bucket and pulling out a black ichorous monster.
  • A garden hose spigot installed in your butt such that poop sprays forward instead of down.
  • Bodily fluids canceling each other out when you miss the toilet and so you just end up with a wet wall.
  • Liking ketchup so much you CRISPR a biological ketchup dispenser into your elbow.
  • Accidentally triggering your ketchup hands when you're icing a cake.
  • Putting a cap on your ketchup elbow so you don't drip ketchup everywhere.
  • Whether your new dispenser is a squishy flesh hose or a brass steampunk spigot.
  • Reframing your fleshy protuberance that shoots someone else's blood to sound scary and eldritch.
  • A spigot that shoots liquid money.
  • Making up for your horrifying blood pranks by giving blood.
  • Whipping blood into stiff peaks.
  • Carnivorous merengue.
  • Using science to make human blood safe to eat.
  • Letting the listeners hear the good podcast juice.
  • Falling down on your New Year's resolution starting in March.
  • Watching the Witcher show and then reading the Witcher short stories it was based on and knowing exactly what's going to happen.
  • Alchemy and math and words.
  • Whether or not reading on a screen still counts.
  • Reading your driver's license every night before you go to bed.
  • Getting hungry immediately after the body spigot discussion.
  • Being over your meal by the time you're done cooking it.
  • Assembling duck a l'orange ingredient by ingredient in your tummy and by the time you finish cooking it you're like "I've already eaten this."
  • Something standing right in front of you that you can't perceive.
  • Deciding not to read scary stories to your wife right before bed.
  • Getting ready for prose form, motherfuckers.
  • Trying to remember someone's name and only remembering that they have initials.
  • Medieval fantasy Londons and their relationships to magic.
  • Reading ahead in the tabletop adventure book.
  • A vault with 8 different kinds of locks on it, filled with non-negotiable bearer bonds.
  • A regular bearer bond except you can't negotiate for it.
  • A non-negotiable bond except you can hold it.
  • The database documenting the contents of the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
  • Manufacturing tiny toy guns and not being able to fight back against terrorists because your guns are too small.
  • Explaining why your tiny gun manufacturer has a money basement.
  • Tiny toy guns using only the tiniest gunpowder.
  • Writing the first season of your mystery show with the certainty that it'll be canceled after one season.
  • Having to figure out what polar bears are after your show gets renewed.
  • When a duck decides to start whispering its quacks.
  • The most convenient jaguar.
  • Biting each other in the face and having a good Bear Time.
  • Bats' closest relatives being humans because all their other relatives died.
  • Delaying gestation until everyone's pregnant at once.
  • Bats all giving birth at the same time and overwhelming the health care system.
  • A zoo except for the sea.
  • Watching a jellyfish enclosure and asking "what are they doing in there?"
  • Plastic bags floating around in the sea except they're alive and they'll still be alive after you're dead.
  • The universe being a big stupid donut.
  • Nobody giving a shit that you read Great Expectations.
  • Garfield being the great literature of the coming era.
  • Allegorical lasagna.
  • Caramelizing all your onions at once.
  • Cutting your sandwich into a pair of rhombuses.
  • Sitting on a stack of the most prestigious award in the country.
  • Figuring out what axis you can cut a hamburger on diagonally.
  • When the burrito guy folds your burrito wrong and the first bite is entirely sour cream.
  • Burrito Gaia, filled with loam, mantle and magma.
  • Naming your next kid after your least-favorite burrito.
  • The food dictator making you a cup of Crispix when all you wanted was grilled cheese.
  • The puzzle with the farmer trying to get a hen, fox and grain across the river except it's your butt, your poop, and a jet of water.
  • Taking it to squirts-town.
  • Building a hotel before they invented the combination toilet/bidet.
  • The french word for when you take a dump in somebody's bidet.
  • Hygiene strategies if a bird poops on your butthole.
  • The nose being an evolutionary strategy to protect our mouths from bird poop.
  • Dunking your whole ass in the ass-height sink.
  • Just making zoo noises until you've reached the required minimum podcast length.
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