Respect The Hustler, Not The Hustle

00:00:00
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01:03:41

May 11th, 2020

1 hr 3 mins 41 secs

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Lords:

Topics:

Microtopics:

  • Goin' Polodna.
  • Goin' Polodna but bein' named Butterfield.
  • Only car thieves remaining.
  • Giving your guest a hard time for plugging something when you just asked them to plug something.
  • Being inspired by an eggplant you once had.
  • Stockholm syndrome but for vegetables.
  • A color that doesn't exist on earth.
  • Trying to cook every substance for every amount of time because you don't have Netflix.
  • Laundering a horse through a book.
  • The pe-noose.
  • Trying to Google which Stephen King book had the necklace of penises.
  • Deeming a penis to be a boner.
  • Looking upon a pubic hair topiary and despairing.
  • Sculpting the day your paramour will die into your pubic hair on the first date.
  • Fred Meyer's daughter, J.C. Penney.
  • Not having any particular insight into this boner blog.
  • Being a little bit hornt up despite being trapped in a Fred Meyer by the murder frog outside.
  • Whether or not "pud" is short for "pudding" or indeed anything.
  • A zoetrope showing Goofy pulling down his pants every 7 seconds.
  • A plexiglass box that is big enough for your head and a fern.
  • Hacking the oxygen mask to come down when you just need a hit.
  • Sprinkling some foliage on your head to make it look like the fern next to your head is just a lump on your face.
  • Sticking your head in the fern box under the seat in front of you and painting your face on your pants so your butt can wear the oxygen mask.
  • The tactile sensation of unclogging a toilet using a mouse pad.
  • The best water level for plunging a toilet.
  • Needing an articulated arm like Krang's to plunge the toilet from around the corner.
  • Trying to guess the Game Boy games being used to prop up a projector.
  • The Podcaster's Dilemma.
  • Maligning the Final Fantasy Legend series.
  • Deciding that your punishment will be a good night's sleep and a stern toothbrushing.
  • Playing Final Fantasy Legend while you brush each other's teeth live on AGDQ.
  • Asking a question that you'd already answered in a previous episode and just copy-pasting the answer from there.
  • Not being in good enough shape to sleep everywhere.
  • Ripping through the topics and needing to dip into the extended bucket.
  • A gigantic bucket of shelf-stable potato soup that you save for the end times.
  • Setting up a P.O. box so your listeners can send you a big pile of food and toy cars so you can not eat for a week and then eat an enormous megameal.
  • A Visual Studio plugin that lets you play text adventures anyone while looking like you're at work.
  • Pressing the boss key to hide that you're playing an ancient video game and your boss asking you why you're writing emails in Word Perfect 2.0.
  • Having a child to reduce your mortality anxiety.
  • Having a child so they can do the heimlich when you choke on a ham sandwich.
  • Subtweeting your cat.
  • Not being meaningfully aware of your mortality but still making decisions based on not dying.
  • Overcorrecting and turning into a maudlin fucker.
  • A boom box with a floppy drive playing canyon.mid.
  • A product with no conceivable audience except the nerds who will think it's cool and nostalgic thirty years from now.
  • Opening a cabinet and your coffee mug singing the Zelda "you found the thing" jingle.
  • The intentionality of listening to music in the most inconvenient way possible.
  • Listening to music and lighting random pieces of paper on fire.
  • A very zinelike activity.
  • Independent movie theaters all vanishing in an eyeblink.
  • Filling the delivery tube with potato soup and sending it to the bank teller.
  • Chuck E. Cheese classing it up with woodfired, chef-inspired pizza.
  • Getting carryout from the Chuck E. Cheese and your chef-inspired pizza coming with a side of orange spider rings.
  • Sleeping on a mattress on the floor for years until your new girlfriend insists you get a real bed.
  • Putting a tennis ball on top of the screws you're supposed to attach the footboard to so you know where to park your keister.
  • Your migrating bedframe, a keter-class problem in the bedroom.
  • The one time it makes sense to have a strong opinion about someone else's bed.
  • Wiping down the incision site because if you get an infection after you die it's just never going to heal.
  • Only being allowed to listen to one song for the rest of your life.
  • The one song you're allowed to listen to also replacing music you hear in your head or anything you sing.
  • Trying to sing Happy Birthday to a co-worker but it always comes out as the chorus of "Selling the Drama" by Live.
  • All music in the world being replaced by the Intel Inside jingle.
  • The Zelda item noise secretly being the same as the Addams Family theme song.
  • Going to a concert and suddenly the band can only play the song you are cursed with.
  • The CIA discovering your musical curse and studying you on the dissection table like in Project ALF.
  • $10 million per For Fighting.
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