29. Respect The Hustler, Not The Hustle

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Lords:

• Jenni is on an internet break but you can email her at jenni@jennipolodna.com.
• Gary is @GaryBuh on Twitter and does podcasts at the Duckfeed network. http://duckfeed.tv/

Topics:

• 1:41 How did people decide to eat certain vegetables, even though they don't look like food and sometimes taste like shit?
• 4:18 Stephen King writing about boners (there is a Tumblr)
  • https://stephenkingsboners.tumblr.com/
  • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerald%27s_Game#Plot
• 12:28 Airplane respiration strategies
  • https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2017/05/explore-transparent-plants/
• 16:45 Being resourceful when you don't have the correct tool. For example, I recently unblocked a toilet by using a mouse pad in place of a plunger.
• 23:28 Replacing combat in video games with other stuff to slow down the pacing
• 33:27 What age were you meaningfully aware of your mortality? Did something happen?
• 38:06 The MT-80s MIDI boom box
  • https://twitter.com/cabel/status/979097369936502785
  • https://vgmusic.com/
• 48:21 Things that you do so people will think you're an adult but you can't figure out if there's another purpose for doing them
• 55:10 You can only listen to one song for the rest of eternity, you don't get to pick. How much money would it take, what song is the worst.
  • Gunhouse trailer with the title screen jingle I was talking about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB0yAm6iXEw
  • Here's a better trailer for a later version of Gunhouse, with better music FWIW: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzokB1821Mw
  • Tony Hawk's Two Second Music Loop https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uofB1_Y1gOk

Microtopics:

• Goin' Polodna.
• Goin' Polodna but bein' named Butterfield.
• Only car thieves remaining.
• Giving your guest a hard time for plugging something when you just asked them to plug something.
• Being inspired by an eggplant you once had.
• Stockholm syndrome but for vegetables.
• A color that doesn't exist on earth.
• Trying to cook every substance for every amount of time because you don't have Netflix.
• Laundering a horse through a book.
• The pe-noose.
• Trying to Google which Stephen King book had the necklace of penises.
• Deeming a penis to be a boner.
• Looking upon a pubic hair topiary and despairing.
• Sculpting the day your paramour will die into your pubic hair on the first date.
• Fred Meyer's daughter, J.C. Penney.
• Not having any particular insight into this boner blog.
• Being a little bit hornt up despite being trapped in a Fred Meyer by the murder frog outside.
• Whether or not "pud" is short for "pudding" or indeed anything.
• A zoetrope showing Goofy pulling down his pants every 7 seconds.
• A plexiglass box that is big enough for your head and a fern.
• Hacking the oxygen mask to come down when you just need a hit.
• Sprinkling some foliage on your head to make it look like the fern next to your head is just a lump on your face.
• Sticking your head in the fern box under the seat in front of you and painting your face on your pants so your butt can wear the oxygen mask.
• The tactile sensation of unclogging a toilet using a mouse pad.
• The best water level for plunging a toilet.
• Needing an articulated arm like Krang's to plunge the toilet from around the corner.
• Trying to guess the Game Boy games being used to prop up a projector.
• The Podcaster's Dilemma.
• Maligning the Final Fantasy Legend series.
• Deciding that your punishment will be a good night's sleep and a stern toothbrushing.
• Playing Final Fantasy Legend while you brush each other's teeth live on AGDQ.
• Asking a question that you'd already answered in a previous episode and just copy-pasting the answer from there.
• Not being in good enough shape to sleep everywhere.
• Ripping through the topics and needing to dip into the extended bucket.
• A gigantic bucket of shelf-stable potato soup that you save for the end times.
• Setting up a P.O. box so your listeners can send you a big pile of food and toy cars so you can not eat for a week and then eat an enormous megameal.
• A Visual Studio plugin that lets you play text adventures anyone while looking like you're at work.
• Pressing the boss key to hide that you're playing an ancient video game and your boss asking you why you're writing emails in Word Perfect 2.0.
• Having a child to reduce your mortality anxiety.
• Having a child so they can do the heimlich when you choke on a ham sandwich.
• Subtweeting your cat.
• Not being meaningfully aware of your mortality but still making decisions based on not dying.
• Overcorrecting and turning into a maudlin fucker.
• A boom box with a floppy drive playing canyon.mid.
• A product with no conceivable audience except the nerds who will think it's cool and nostalgic thirty years from now.
• Opening a cabinet and your coffee mug singing the Zelda "you found the thing" jingle.
• The intentionality of listening to music in the most inconvenient way possible.
• Listening to music and lighting random pieces of paper on fire.
• A very zinelike activity.
• Independent movie theaters all vanishing in an eyeblink.
• Filling the delivery tube with potato soup and sending it to the bank teller.
• Chuck E. Cheese classing it up with woodfired, chef-inspired pizza.
• Getting carryout from the Chuck E. Cheese and your chef-inspired pizza coming with a side of orange spider rings.
• Sleeping on a mattress on the floor for years until your new girlfriend insists you get a real bed.
• Putting a tennis ball on top of the screws you're supposed to attach the footboard to so you know where to park your keister.
• Your migrating bedframe, a keter-class problem in the bedroom.
• The one time it makes sense to have a strong opinion about someone else's bed.
• Wiping down the incision site because if you get an infection after you die it's just never going to heal.
• Only being allowed to listen to one song for the rest of your life.
• The one song you're allowed to listen to also replacing music you hear in your head or anything you sing.
• Trying to sing Happy Birthday to a co-worker but it always comes out as the chorus of "Selling the Drama" by Live.
• All music in the world being replaced by the Intel Inside jingle.
• The Zelda item noise secretly being the same as the Addams Family theme song.
• Going to a concert and suddenly the band can only play the song you are cursed with.
• The CIA discovering your musical curse and studying you on the dissection table like in Project ALF.
• $10 million per For Fighting.