The Unfriendly Potty Tries To Put It Back

00:00:00
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01:10:42

January 6th, 2020

1 hr 10 mins 42 secs

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Lords this week:

Topics:

Microtopics:

  • Ostensibly being in a hotel to stop an act of terrorism but first having to get someone's mojo back.
  • A portable computer that you call Catherine.
  • A time loop, here on Topic Lords.
  • Quitting that owl. Telling that owl where he can shove his heroin.
  • Duo Lingo being named after its founder and enforcer, Duo.
  • Gamification ruining your productivity because you can't help but care about these poorly-designed leaderboards.
  • This being a video games podcast now, I guess.
  • Putting in the effort to suck at a game so you can get more out of it.
  • Doing a couple squats and all the monsters dying and feeling like a badass because of all your gains.
  • Guessing that a higher intensity means a higher ratio of reps to jogging.
  • Guessing that lowering the workout intensity will increase your heart rate.
  • Squatting and catching the coins.
  • Being surprised that legal let them put squats in the workout game beacuse you can super fuck up your knees by doing squats wrong.
  • Learning Japanese so you can watch anime while also keeping an eye on that spider.
  • Asking your co-lord to stereotype an entire species.
  • Asking your co-lord about the personality of a spider when you made the spider up in this scenario.
  • Doing the equivalent of the look at the horse thing.
  • Explaining funny Youtube videos to each other.
  • A half hour of getting head massages and trying to make a face as if you're enjoying the head massage.
  • The mind whisk not working when you do it to yourself but a vibrating one might.
  • Not wanting to swear around clean boys.
  • Salvaging a terrible kale broccoli smoothie by adding rum.
  • Frying your terrible kale broccoli smoothie into falafels.
  • The only memory you have of a dentist being him telling you that you have a tiny mouth.
  • Not brushing your teeth or going to the dentist for four years.
  • Jim's good dentist costing twice as much as every other dentist and only being a 12-hour drive away.
  • The seam on a molded toy where the mold came together.
  • Knowing what the other person is talking about if it's the same thing that you were just talking about.
  • Going to the bank and giving them all your change and them giving you back half a black crayon and a couple of flatten pennies with dinosaurs on it and a lego.
  • Withdrawing all your money from the bank in black crayons.
  • Putting down the other half of your hot pepper bacon jam and peanut butter sandwich and later taking a bite, forgetting about the hot pepper bacon part.
  • A prank show that swaps out your half a sandwich with a different half a sandwich.
  • Getting food poisoning because someone on a podcast from the future gave you a bad recommendation and you paused it before hearing them say they were only kidding.
  • Searching for Jim Stormdancer who gave you a food poisoning recommendation on a time looped podcast but no results come back because that's not their name yet.
  • Realizing at the last second that a delicious gulp of Dr. Pepper is actually milk, then it turning out to actually be iced tea.
  • Beverageception.
  • How we all left fifty glasses of water in our room in case the aliens invade because that's a normal thing.
  • Milk not coming out of your glass when you try to drink because it's yogurt now.
  • Combination sleep mask and headphones.
  • Turning twenty half-full cans of Dr. Pepper into ten full cans of Dr. Pepper.
  • Not being able to take the last sip of anything because that sip is tainted.
  • Convincing yourself that if you just take a smaller sip it won't be the last sip.
  • Having five euros worth of pee vouchers because nobody actually accepts your pee vouchers.
  • Not having any concept of what it's like to drive without seeing tourist traps.
  • Figuring out what the German equivalent of Elvis is and instantly becoming a millionaire.
  • Starting to optimize your bathroom trips because now there's a currency involved.
  • The friendly potty making things weird.
  • The unfriendly potty trying to put it back.
  • Getting the smallest piece of chocolate imaginable at the end of your chocolate museum tour.
  • Helping the prince and his dragon friend make some chocolate shoes after the dragon accidentally melts the previous pair of chocolate shoes and melts them.
  • Brushing up on your chocolate trivia so you can get the sticker that says "Chocolate Genius."
  • Hiring a writer and telling them "it's a kingdom, and it's chocolatey -- go!"
  • Trying to convince museum attendees that you aren't exploiting laborers even though there are pictures of exploited laborers right there.
  • Theatrically fiddling with your synthesizers at because Channel 9 news is here.
  • Naming yourself after a music technology company because you also do music technology.
  • Missing an opportunity to name yourself after cheese.
  • Cheddars that have not undergone the cheddaring process.
  • Mistaking Thomas Dolby for Thomas Colby and cheddaring him but not getting cheddar for some reason.
  • Going grocery shopping with your mom and asking her for a candy bar and an Internet World Magazine.
  • Sticking with Gopher VR because the World Wide Web will never replace Telnet.
  • The term "World Wide Web" having been coined by Joseph McCarthy to describe Soviet influence in America.
  • Nodding along but feeling bad about not being able to connect with these people because you're 15 and don't know anything.
  • Being proud of not knowing about something.
  • Choosing to not be around people who make fun of you.
  • Programming being excellent practice for humility because you're demonstrably wrong all the goddamned time.
  • Wishing that you wanted to go outside more.
  • Synthesizer enthusiasts knocking over your trash can to look for patch cables.
  • Living on a canal and seeing a bunch of cool sea creatures all the time.
  • Spraying tap water into the canal to attract manatees and every one of them having propeller scars.
  • Watching shuttle launches from your back yard.
  • Slipping on frozen sprinkler water and somehow not hitting your head on your way down into the canal.
  • Every person ending up alone in the universe after everyone else has died.
  • Answering to Betty because you want to be polite and don't want to correct the person who thinks your name is Betty.
  • Betty Boop shooting to the top of the list of people you don't want to be confused with.
  • Being confused about whether Betty Boop is supposed to be sexy or a dog or both.
  • Betty Boop's apparent sexiness being like reading Shakespeare and not knowing what moiety means.
  • Judging somebody by the trucks you've seen with bootleg stickers of them on the back.
  • A bumper sticker of John Calvin peeing on whatever he doesn't like.
  • Inventing your own web safe palette.
  • Floyd-Steinberg fans high-fiving each other.
  • Good lording all around!
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