10. The Entire Weirdness Of Plants

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December 30th, 2019

1 hr 2 mins 43 secs

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Topics:

Microtopics:

  • People who celebrate Christmas on January 6th.
  • Addressing the least-served Christmas demographic.
  • Muting your mutuals because it turns out you have no common interests.
  • Not being sure if the Frog Fractions 2 Soundtrack liner notes exist any more.
  • Your three year old opening all the Advent Calendar doors and hiding the chocolates in his Halloween bag.
  • Your three year old pushing chairs from the kitchen to climb on top of the refrigerator because that's where you keep the cookies.
  • Developing problem-solving skills long before you develop a sense of ethics or self-preservation.
  • Your two year old deciding it's time to be a cool pirate and picking the biggest sword possible out of the kitchen knives.
  • Taking comfort in only half of prehistoric children dying before the age of five, so with modern medicine and safety advances your child has a pretty decent shot.
  • Half of all children dying before the age of five so they never amass the numbers needed to overthrow the adults.
  • Your one year old overcoming the child safety lock by ripping the entire door off.
  • Half your age plus seven being your personal cutoff for when someone stops being a child.
  • 18 year olds being allowed to vote and drive and get married.
  • Teenagers having infinite energy to learn and get things done, but no judgement for what are good things to learn or do.
  • Describing your relationship with your high school student as a jockey/horse scenario but not being sure if he's the horse and you're the jockey, or vice-versa.
  • Placing bets on the three-legged toddler races.
  • Taking bets on high school track events being illegal, so that's why a Silicon Valley startup has to do it.
  • Cleverly tying your collective bragging to the holiday season.
  • Writing a book about the Frog Fractions 2 ARG and hiding it inside of another book.
  • Making a GameFAQs-style guide to document how the game works while it's still in your head.
  • Your Skype work partner probably not looking at the screen, but maybe they are, maybe they know you're not working.
  • Teaching people to read by having them read to dogs because dogs are uncritical and just love the attention.
  • Skyping with a dog all day to motivate you to write your book.
  • Having a friend come onto the show and do a dog voice because real dogs pick terrible topics.
  • GameFAQs turning out to actually have standards.
  • GameFAQs rejecting your submission with the rejection note just saying "Boxing."
  • GameFAQs rejecting your submission with a subtle joke about the previous game in the series.
  • Actual FAQs being pretty rare on GameFAQs.
  • Writing an angry letter to the New York Times about your walkthrough being rejected from GameFAQs.
  • Programming languages that are deliberately constructed to be difficult to think about and work in.
  • The Museum of Artifacts From Collapsed Timelines.
  • Leaving your release date in the hands of the players and players deciding you should release on Christmas.
  • Letting ARG audience members take over your ARG design because you're busy making an executable.
  • Wanting something to be a commercial success and so hiding it as well as possible.
  • Reneging on your vow of obscurity at the last second and raking in the dough.
  • Not being able to put your game on sale because it would violate truth in advertising laws around the world.
  • Pricing your game high because games should cost money -- but that also meaning people have to pay that money.
  • Trying to convince the IRS that they've already deposited the check for the amount they're sending you a due notice for.
  • Enabling your bank teller to feel like a private investigator.
  • Adding quest flavor text when you ask things of retail workers so they feel like they'll get XP by helping you.
  • Asking the restaurant pianist to play Happy Birthday in a minor key and the pianist just being grateful that you didn't ask him to play Billy Joel's "Piano Man" for the fortieth time today.
  • Hearing somebody playing Gershwin in the next practice room over and playing Gershwin with them and them fleeing because the conservatory is haunted.
  • Asking the librarian to research paranormal activity on your property.
  • Tracking down the records of everyone who died in a house but entirely ignoring the fractals that may have died in the house.
  • Not accepting that although some things are known, you'll never know how they're known.
  • Realizing that economics and economists are dreadful.
  • Luminary physicists all having killed themselves because nobody took their theories seriously in their lifetimes.
  • Hiding behind freelance work because you're terrified try to to follow up your accidental success.
  • Not knowing what you're going to make, but definitely knowing how to sell it.
  • Bacteria just hanging out and waiting for you to succumb.
  • The bacteria in your jaw being the true legacy of your life's work.
  • Taking until your mid-30s to figure out how to work on purpose and not just when you're excited about something.
  • Sleeping when you want to sleep and getting up after you're not tired anymore.
  • Meeting a wife and coming to a sleep schedule compromise.
  • Having more dictionaries than you've ever had in your life.
  • Thinking your traditional holiday foods are weird until you hear about the other guy's holiday foods.
  • Pagan traditions intersecting with Christmas in ways that lead to incredibly weird food.
  • Thinking of whales as fish because you're allowed to eat them on Christmas Eve.
  • The food you like being impossible to find in a store or restaurant because it's horrifying.
  • A beet salad made with sour cream and beans and vinegar and peas and carrots and onions and a huge amount of pickles and nobody wanting to try it because it's the color of Pepto Bismol.
  • Eating poppy seed soup and failing every drug test for the rest of your life.
  • A puce soy milk served cold.
  • Skimming off the thick layer of poppy seed fat so your soup won't poison people.
  • Tiny dumplings representing food for the dead, because the dead don't need to eat a lot.
  • Pirate Santa, Santa's evil brother who likes puzzles and hiding presents.
  • Pirate Santa running the Christmas Puzzle Hunt to find all the ingredients for the Christmas appetizer log sandwich.
  • A Yule Sandwich Log, made from hard-boiled eggs, crumbled bacon, bread, avocado, pineapple, pimento cheese, shrimp, chili sauce, cranberry sauce, deviled ham, peanut butter and a dill pickle, all dipped in cream cheese and decorated with canned pears and maraschino cherries.
  • A combination of savory, sweet and salty that is pleasing even if you've read the recipe.
  • A garden gnome except it's a duck.
  • Decorating a duck for holidays rather than a tree.
  • Two ninja turtle doves.
  • Being disappointed with depictions of columnar cacti in popular media.
  • Being disappointed with depictions of Atari 2600 games in popular media.
  • Being subpoenaed to the Supreme Court to testify about whether an Atari 2600 video capture is a forgery.
  • Star Trek either being filmed in California, or every planet in the universe having a mediterranean-style biome.
  • Plants on Earth being way weirder than alien plants depicted in sci-fi.
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