88. The Horned Lizard's Final Defense


June 28th, 2021

1 hr 12 mins 47 secs

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  • Doing a perfect ollie your first time on a skateboard and then never skating again because you'll never top that.
  • Cooking every single dish in the human culinary encyclopedia and then starving to death because you refuse to repeat yourself.
  • Honor system rock paper scissors.
  • Making video games, one of which is called Catacomb Kids.
  • Naming your band one letter away from a common word so that your band is impossible to google.
  • An extremely austere and dour change log, like in Great Expectations.
  • Changing the "dragon breath" spell to "bear breath" because dragons aren't real but bears breathe fire.
  • A grim window into the world in which we live, dragonless and dragon breath -less.
  • A delicious treat for anyone who likes anise flavoring and salt.
  • A giant human sized licorice in a wedding gown.
  • Competing with nearby deer for the affections of the extremely salty licorice you're marrying.
  • Spendinga lot of your mental energy trying to figure out animal cognition.
  • Whether elephants worship the moon or in fact anything.
  • Dogs doing the things dogs do even if they've never been taught by another dog.
  • Where babies learn the things that their parents don't teach them.
  • Babies smiling when they see a face even though they're not happy to see you.
  • Baby reflexes that help parents bond with them during the time when they are hardest to love.
  • How to be sure that animals think and feel and have memory when we can't even be sure for other humans.
  • P-zombies.
  • A dog's mental model of the world.
  • The Far Side cartoon depicting a machine that translates dog barks into human speech.
  • Whether animals have to know stuff.
  • Meerkat accents.
  • The mantis shrimp having an innate ability to see ghosts, and learning our language to tell us that we're stepping on ghosts all the time and we're covered in ectoplasm.
  • A superpower that turns you invisible except for your eyes, so you're just a floating pair of eyeballs, not invisible at all, so you have to buy a pair of sunglasses to hide your eyes.
  • Putting two of the lamest possible superpowers together in the same married couple.
  • The lamest superpower that you would settle for.
  • The superpower of getting up when the alarm rings and not having to hit snooze even once.
  • The superpower of lactose tolerance.
  • The superpower of having practiced a lot.
  • Cutting a cantaloupe in half and the six of clubs is in there and the guy's like "yeah that's my card, but that cantaloupe was $9 at Whole Foods, thanks a lot."
  • How to convince general audiences that they should care when in the measure to clap.
  • Just assuming that audiences will be clapping in the wrong place so you add a single measure in 5/4 to your 4/4 composition to fix it.
  • Playing a concert video where the video and audio are desynchronized by exactly half a measure.
  • Inventing a snare drum that looks like a bass drum and vice versa, and filming a prank show where unsuspecting drummers play concerts with the inverted drum kit.
  • Going to fiver and asking someone to build you a drum kit that defies science and logic.
  • The one company that Topic Lords would accept sponsorship from.
  • Stopping the concert when the audience starts clapping on 1 and 3 and asking them "come on, did you spend $126 to get it wrong?"
  • Not finding out how low-poly these birds are until the quarter speed viewing.
  • Which side Britney's nails look most amazing from.
  • The outfit flight attendants had to wear in the 1950s, before they had the right to vote.
  • A flight attendant with pauldrons.
  • A loser with a sandwich that Britney wants to make out with in the bathroom.
  • Seeing someone's ass and wondering what the Blippi subreddit would think of it.
  • A dude who is a motorcycle.
  • Biketaurs.
  • Having the same facial expression as the motorcycle you're riding.
  • A sparkly Jackson Pollock that you wrap around yourself.
  • Stepping right in the laser.
  • Warning the janitor that you're turning on the office's death ladder so he's not surprised when he shows up that weekend to find 15 corpses on the floor.
  • A music video that is secretly the prequel to Jupiter Ascending.
  • Whether this hot Scandinavian guy is the same guy as the last hot Scandinavian guy.
  • Saving time shaving by dyeing your facial hair the same color as your skin.
  • Whether a stiff iron bar jabbing into your back would improve a bed or a chair.
  • Whether Britney Spears hallucinated the events of the Toxic video, and she's just an ordinary flight attendant.
  • How to fix bread closures.
  • Filling the moon with bread closures.
  • Getting a bread box so people stop having to manufacture bread closures.
  • How massive a bread is required to spin the bag at sufficient velocity to apply the bread closures.
  • Solving your headphone cord problem by never listening to audio of any kind.
  • Installing an ink sac in your fingernail so that you never have to look around for a pen.
  • A tattoo of a squid that you can squeeze to spurt ink into the eyes of your enemies, but the tattoo gets more and more faded as the ink depletes.
  • An awful thing that your ducks can do.
  • What's going on in that biome?
  • The horned lizard's final defense.
  • Dropping a tail if you need to escape.
  • A super ethical meat factory that spends all day terrifying the tails off of lizards.
  • An avocado-like spread made out of frightened lizard tail.
  • Nothing but adrenaline flavor in this tail.
  • How to live as a freelancer without being drained of all your bodily fluids.
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