26. The Double Equilibrium Point Of Water (For Fish)


April 20th, 2020

1 hr 11 mins 53 secs

Your Hosts

About this Episode

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early!




  • John of the Maryland Johns.
  • Ruining the show before it's really even started.
  • High fiving a friend from six feet away using your selfie stick with a hand at the end of it.
  • Washing the hand at the end of your selfie stick after high-fiving someone with it.
  • Motion detectors not detecting black people so corporate hires white people to follow black people around and activate the motion detectors.
  • A black person walking in front of the Kinect and the Kinect being like "I think I just saw a ghost!"
  • Loving your punchline and so letting it go.
  • Being flung away from the earth at 9.8 meters per second per second.
  • The unfathomable horror of your senator voting in favor of the "subtly tweak the laws of physics" bill.
  • Finding the highrise apartment building that is most likely to remain attached to the Earth if gravity reverses.
  • Being deeply bothered by children who know the metric system and understand calculus.
  • Having known you were going to die but now being able to put a number to exactly how fast.
  • Always paying attention to whether you feel slightly lighter now, because that means gravity is starting to reverse.
  • Gravity's power suddenly doubling and the only survivors being people hanging out in trampoline parks and bounce houses at the time.
  • Our only hope being heroes in mech suits but unfortunately everyone who owns a mech suit is a billionaire.
  • Fish living through gravity doubling because they can swim up to a lower water pressure.
  • The moon crashing into the Earth.
  • Kaiju who are lonely because they don't know any other kaiju.
  • Whether Swamp Thing and Godzilla would be friends.
  • A giant dog who is perpetually alone because there is no Mothra equivalent in his universe.
  • Bigfoot technically being a kaiju because his feet are so big.
  • Whether Bigger Luke is big enough to be considered a kaiju.
  • The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen except for kaiju.
  • Whether Jack the Ripper looms large enough in our minds that he should be banned from our Kaiju-only dating app.
  • The OkCupid dating personality result that was fine for women but if you're a dude they were like "please stop dating"
  • A tiny green cat as dense as a neutron star.
  • Having to explain what a TAS, speed runs, Arkanoid, Breakout, and video games are before you can get to the part that's cool about this Arkanoid TAS.
  • Running your Arkanoid simulation on six cores for over a year to find optimal Arkanoid strategies.
  • Mario dancing with the fish for 15 seconds and then the credits play.
  • Martial arts masters going into the mountains and practicing one move for 30 years.
  • The Many Worlds interpretation of Super Mario World.
  • A speedrunner finding a COVID-19 vaccine faster than anybody else but the FDA blocks them from releasing it.
  • Philosophers not allowing themselves to have any fun because they're trying to counter the image of philosophers lazing around and not doing any real work.
  • Sitting down to create while being fully aware that you might not create anything worthwhile today.
  • Throwing nothing away and making everything.
  • A cool game that is available on a variety of platforms.
  • Being a year into making a game and it isn't fun yet and you have to trust in the iteration process that you'll find the fun before you ship, but actually maybe you won't, but you still have to ship anyway so it's not a total loss.
  • Making a bad game fun by association, by placing it in a fun context.
  • Hiring a narrative designer a couple months away from shipping your deeply text-centered game, because there is currently no text or story in the game and everything is on fire.
  • Adding a bunch of things to your game that will definitely bite you in the ass later because you cannot be stopped.
  • Running a D&D game that you haven't prepped enough and your players getting to the part of the scenario where your notes are blank.
  • Fragile people in a fragile people world attempting to make juice and having empathy for each other.
  • Sitting at the text editor to create and creativity not happening fast enough so you go browse Reddit.
  • Being stuck on a hard problem and going to play video games while your subconscious works on the problem.
  • Watching Zodiac while you're working on your cross-stitch and you look down and you've spelled out the name of the real killer.
  • Trying to pick a speed run to watch in the background while you work that will keep you from being bored but not be interesting enough that you watch it instead of working.
  • Having made your topic list and having to sleep in them.
  • Gifts to ourselves.
  • Cyber-Washington with carbon fiber dentures and a minigun that fires the teeth of his slaves.
  • A cool sentient dog wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses digging up bodies and putting them in cool poses.
  • Cool Dog digging for bones in the easiest place possible, the human body.
  • The movie with the oiled muscle-man singing and playing a saxophone.
  • Buff Weird Al Yankovic.
  • Promising to name this episode "Stacksophone" but lying.
  • Cool Dog turning out to be a very uncool dog if you think about it.
  • Lost Boys, exhibit A in the debate of whether being a jerk is cool.
  • Cool sentient dogs in the 90s digging up bodies in graveyards, but cool sentient dogs in 2020 awooing on Mastodon.
  • Preferring to use human bones in your occult rituals because you relate better to the energy they carry.
  • Selling your leftover human bones after you're done doing all your curses.
  • Whether or not the guy selling human bones on Etsy is cool, and whether they'd be cooler if they were a dog.
  • Loving Bribe Dog even though by all rights he ought to be in jail.
  • A small dog gumming at a stranger's ankles and not breaking the skin but they get upset anyway for some reason.
  • The life-long FOMO of wondering what you're missing out on from activities you never do because you hate doing them.
  • Correctly guessing that the other guest is subtweeting Animal Crossing.
  • A game that is fun until it becomes your job.
  • Not needing to buy a new video game because Breath of the Wild still exists.
  • Not wanting to do an activity so much as be a part of the community that does the activity.
  • That month where everyone in the world was playing Pokemon Go.
  • Recommending a video game to two people who have already played it.
  • Leveling up as a person the first time you've ever made a non-optimal decision in a game to retain your quality of life.
  • Your Animal Crossing villagers expressing shock as you chop down your entire orchard in front of them.
  • Opening an iPad feeling special, like someone confessing that they love you and not loving them back.
  • Getting FOMO about everyone you're not in love with.
  • The future where instead of social media, everybody drops an ARG about themselves that you have to solve in order to talk to them.
  • A thing that sounds exciting that you don't want to do.
  • An alternate reality where nothing happens and no-one cares.
Support Topic Lords