The Cow Tools Experience

00:00:00
/
00:57:21

February 22nd, 2021

57 mins 21 secs

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Topics:

Microtopics:

  • An oddly temperate day in the park in the middle of January.
  • Not necessarily recognizing the war criminal who lives in your town.
  • Checking the box that says "I did not do the Holocaust" on the immigration form.
  • How it takes 50 years to deport a Nazi from Canada.
  • Berlin, Canada.
  • Getting a steak and a beer with the 110 year old who works with you at the grocery store.
  • Where you go if you're really young and you want to become a war criminal.
  • A thing that is strange but also very ordinary.
  • Explaining Garfield.
  • Heathcliff, the other other fat orange cartoon cat.
  • Explaining cow tools.
  • Tools that don't really look like anything but it's the best a cow can do.
  • What it means when Heathcliff wears the gravy helmet.
  • When an ancient comic strip gets funny again because the original artist finally retired and got replaced by a Tumblr user.
  • Stealing all the fish from the fish counter and the vendor can't do anything about it because you're wearing a helmet that says "fish."
  • Scrolling a web page and discovering how many helmets Heathcliff has.
  • Managing the flow of mugs in this Space Invaders clone.
  • The best electromechanical bar game that triggers your trypophobia.
  • A story-heavy RPG adaptation of an electromechanical bar game.
  • Playing a story heavy game and wishing the story and the game parts were separable.
  • How magical girl shows and JRPGs both presentationally separate story from combat.
  • Taking the fight scenes from a robot combat show and writing new scenes where the robots are going to high school.
  • Learning to fly in place.
  • Becoming a hummingbird and learning to do what hummingbirds do.
  • Consuming the densest possible foods such as lead.
  • Assuming that iron is the densest element because it's at the Earth's core and must have sunk there.
  • Searching for densest foods and Google gives you the most nutrient dense foods, which is definitively not what you asked for.
  • Arctic explorers bringing sleds full of frozen butter to eat.
  • Eating your weight in salt every day.
  • Whether 1 milliliter of water weighs exactly one gram everywhere, or just in that locked vault in Paris.
  • The Canadian hotline you can call to report bars that serve you an American pint of beer.
  • The metric pint.
  • Ounces per ounce.
  • Writing to Stephen Wolfram to complain about the dry ounce.
  • That double gotcha bar trivia question about whether an ounce of feathers is lighter than an ounce of gold.
  • Europeans getting confused when Americans talk about calories when they mean kilocalories.
  • Using more significant digits than the speaker intended when doing unit conversion.
  • Whether someone saying "a thousand" to mean "a lot" is one significant digit or zero.
  • Whether in the Bible "forty" is used colloquially to mean "a lot."
  • Taking a dialect quiz that tries to guess where you're from but it doesn't know about Canada so it guesses you're from the American Midwest.
  • Whether recycling is still a thing or in fact ever was.
  • Keeping people employed at a factory sorting plastic for no particular reason.
  • Pasta and cheese being popular all over the world.
  • How Canadians have Kraft macaroni and cheese for dinner all the time.
  • The biscuit you eat!
  • How Pad Thai is a psyop.
  • Putting fish in a bucket and waiting until it becomes fish sauce.
  • Fear of discovering the fish flavor in fish sauce and ruining Thai food forever.
  • Putting fish sauce on pizza yourself because Domino's doesn't offer it as a topping.
  • Opening a Taco Bell in Mexico.
  • Asking not for whom the Baja Blasts.
  • A can of cream of mushroom soup inside of a Shepherd's Pie.
  • Another salty MSG flavored brown liquid.
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