323. The Astigmaprism

Lords:

• Ryan
• CisHetKayfaber

Topics:

• My vocal stims are getting out of control now that I don't have pets.
• Training to become a Tetris Grandmaster
  • https://www.youtube.com/@cishetkayfaber/videos
• Switching to not-bifocals
• Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nntd2fgMUYw

Microtopics:

• Introducing yourself or plugging something.
• Going to Cape Town for Playtopia.
• Enemies to enemies to lovers.
• A game conference with a name that sounds way too much like Fruitopia.
• What you would do for an Orbitz right now.
• An apple juice with basil seeds ensconced in it, like an Orbitz.
• I'm not mean, I'm just trying to manifest bullying.
• Semisolid Kind of Life.
• A dog following you into the kitchen and acting like a Ghostbusters trap except for all your bullshit rather than ectoplasm.
• The movie about the prep school kids who poop on the floor at their magic school.
• Making yourself laugh by doing a Gollum voice while you make a sandwich.
• Hanging up a happy face on the fridge and writing "mirror" on top of it to convince yourself that you're okay.
• An action figure that absorbs all the dark energy aimed at you.
• Giving advice to someone that you really have no basis for.
• The dog who loved your terrible celebrity impressions and the dog who gives you a look like "I expected more of you"
• Your online source for news about what water parks Jim and his family went to.
• The kind of Tetris that you become s grandmaster in.
• Tetris but the pieces don't fall, they just instantly appear at the bottom of the well.
• How the Tetris company wants you to play Tetris.
• Delayed Auto-Shift.
• Doing a hadouken move to place the zigzag piece in the correct column.
• Stack faster, stack better.
• A skill you can practice and get better at.
• Training for three or four hours a day on a hacked PlayStation Vita to become a Tetris Grandmaster.
• How the Tetris the Grandmaster community feels about leverless controls.
• Going several years between occasions to say hello to your wife.
• Going for a walk around the block so you have an excuse to say hello to your wife when you get back.
• Seeing a person and immediately infodumping at them.
• What they have now instead of bifocals.
• Training your eyes to look through the part of the lens that does the thing.
• Going to the optometrist and saying "just fuck me up"
• Why they don't make bifocals for text at the distance of a computer monitor.
• There's still time, and there's dignity.
• Watching the VOD of your own death because you missed the livestream.
• Getting used to your vision swimming in a new way when you get new glasses.
• Getting an eye exam and saying "I'd rather not say" when they ask you what letters you see.
• Freeballing your corneas.
• A fellow glasses enjoyer.
• A cursed gem that gives you astigmatism.
• Doing the Magic Eye thing in order to learn to read.
• Being born a trust fund kid, except it's your eyeballs.
• The return of the quarter speed music video.
• Even slower slow motion.
• Why can't Eagle-Eye Cherry crawl?
• Wondering why you haven't leaped yet.
• Singing to the camera while being robbed.
• Watching music videos at 1.5x speed as practice for watching them at .25x speed.
• Suddenly the dog takes its mask off and it was Eagle-Eye Cherry the whole time!
• Promising to eat your glasses frames on camera.
• Forgetting how cool your whole premise is and just stopping doing it.
• Literal music videos.
• A houseplant can't save shit. A houseplant doesn't know what time it is.
• People running around New York and looking sad at the camera.
• Buck Cherry. (Named after Chuck Berry.)