238. Talk To Me Like A Doctor Who Gives A Shit


May 13th, 2024

1 hr 10 mins 2 secs

Your Hosts

About this Episode


  • CisHetKayFaber
  • Jenni



  • Plugging the enormous void in your soul by playing Balatro.
  • A card game with really good balance and numbering.
  • Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on the Rusty Lake series.
  • Giving everybody grace except for yourself.
  • Corpse looting foley.
  • Looking through a sound library for the sound of a spider dying.
  • Buying a chair from an estate sale because you love the sound it makes.
  • The Looney Tunes cartoon where some foley artist invented everyone's conception of what a pneumatic tube sounds like.
  • Running around outside and deciding to drop a soup can into the pool.
  • A school project where you rerecord all the audio for five minutes of television.
  • Showing your project to someone and you did such a good job that they don't even notice your project.
  • All the clothes that you're wearing making all the clothes noises.
  • Watching a porn clip overdubbed with Minecraft noises at just the right time in your life.
  • Does two tails mean two assholes?
  • Putting an acronym on the Tails experience.
  • If you've got a cloaca, it's gotta go in the acronym.
  • Only getting horny when an earth, somewhere in the multiverse, is being hit by a comet.
  • Two-Tails has two assholes, and I'm one of them.
  • Forming the Megazord.
  • Lance from all the various things that have Lances in them.
  • Who is Lance in love with Voltron?
  • Google giving you sports results to make incognito mode more plausible.
  • Ironic ASMR.
  • Doin' it for the tingles.
  • When Dora the Explorer asks you what your favorite part of the show was and she says "I liked that too" except it's a video of a doctor asking you about your health.
  • The doctor explaining that this is just what your life is like now.
  • Hot dogging it on the blood pressure cuff.
  • Changing your blood pressure just to fuck with your doctor.
  • Deliberately choosing a femme-presenting chubby doctor.
  • Needing to lose about 40 pounds so you get a leg amputated.
  • Checking a box on your insurance form saying "do not give me lifestyle advice."
  • Carrying around your patient in a folder.
  • Doing the Barium test every time.
  • I'm in a Barium rotisserie, I need you to work with me.
  • Checking the quality of your stomach lining.
  • Trying to banter with the person giving you the mammogram and deeply offending them.
  • Getting small mouth shame at the dentist.
  • Rude Doctor ASMR.
  • ASMR videos where the dentist tells you your mouth is big enough.
  • Assuming Hugh Laurie is not on Cameo for the purposes of the bit.
  • Sourcing an entire podcast through Cameo.
  • The most stony-faced magical realism twin assassins.
  • Topics episode topics.
  • How to personalize a stair.
  • Hiring Mike Ehrmantraut to tell you how you're gonna do your taxes.
  • Mike Ehrmantraut administering the mammogram.
  • Visiting friends who live near the totality.
  • A stump that is freshly cut so it's exuding sap non-stop and is covered with bees and flies 24/7.
  • Whalefall but on land.
  • Chekov's oozing stump coming back in the third act.
  • Going to the astronomical society web site to be sure that the eclipse glasses you get are not the counterfeit eclipse glasses.
  • Looking at where the sun used to be.
  • Looking at something that could only be a visual effect except it's right there in the sky.
  • A thousand year old elf working through her emotions about how her human friends keep dying.
  • The day you had to be inside during recess.
  • Standing up and throwing your potato salad and mint julep on the ground.
  • Writing an angry email to Peter Molyneux for designing eclipses badly.
  • The cold cement basement of love.
  • Media from 1992.
  • Borrowing the DVD boxed set of My So-Called Life from your manager at the pizza place.
  • Writing poems for your benefactors.
  • Poetry written from the point of view of a fake person.
  • Poetry that could plausibly have been written by a teenager.
  • Do you believe the German mathematician in the 19th century, or do you believe Google?
  • A soda can that plays the Amen Break when you open it.
  • Texts from your mom asking how is your "boyfriend," is there anything I can do to "help"?
  • What it means when someone puts two spaces after a period.
  • Growing up meaningfully on the internet.
  • Composing some shit very quickly and making sure it is very needs-suiting.
  • Taking all day to come up with 350 words because you did not grow up on IRC or forums.
  • All the kids discordin' like for real for real fam.
  • A much wider variety of emoji than anything you can do with colons and parentheses.
  • Sending the semicolon-based winky face to your wife because you cannot be bothered to pull open the emoticon window and find the right icon.
  • Asking your dad "what do you think LMAO means"
  • Aunts saying "LOL" in funeral announcements.
  • Entire generations who have terrible reading comprehension because they didn't grow up texting their friends as their primary mode of communication.
  • Missing entire regions of UI because they are vaguely shaped like ads.
  • Using a bigger computer to make your bigger purchases.
  • Millenial CAPTCHAs.
  • Straight for pay.
Support Topic Lords