160. Dracula Never Brushes His Teeth


November 14th, 2022

1 hr 5 mins 23 secs

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  • Elena
  • Shannon



  • Nominally saving everybody a big hassle but in fact completely failing to do the job.
  • Checking the double secret server.
  • Will Wood.
  • Listening to music but not learning a lot.
  • Biting your cuticles.
  • The Burning Man dust/paste situation.
  • Trying to get dust under your fingernails when you don't have fingernails.
  • Getting rid of the textures on your face which just causes more textures to happen.
  • A cuticle lab kit with fancy sticks and creams that you don't understand.
  • Nail-buffing cubes.
  • Losing some unpredictable aspect of your person at Burning Man.
  • A man made up of all the aspects of personalities that he stole from Burning Man attendees.
  • Leaving your nail biting behind in the temple.
  • Cutting your nails short ever since you got that gardening gig.
  • The weird traveling bruise you get when you hit your fingernail too hard.
  • Every shovelful had so much danger in it.
  • The perils of gardening barefoot.
  • Wearing gloves but not wearing shoes because you like the mud between your toes.
  • Dracula Daily.
  • Starting a mailing list for someone else's diary.
  • Couriers telling you that they delivered the boxes of soil and thanks for the shillings.
  • Explaining what a vampire is after the vampire is already dead.
  • Vampirism as a pyramid scheme.
  • Leaving and returning to your soldered-closed coffin at will.
  • God's meaner creatures.
  • Vampirism as a recipe for seasonal affective disorder.
  • What a bummer it'd be to discover that hell is real.
  • Living a thousand subjective years and learning a bunch of skills.
  • Getting up every night and finding a child to eat because that's all you have time for.
  • Dracula the trainspotter.
  • The Kirby dimension that his victims all go to and hang out together.
  • Offering value to the world that compensates for the person you have to kill and eat every day.
  • The guy in Dracula that is obsessed with technology and records his diary on wax cylinders but doesn't think to write the date on them.
  • Doctor C-Word.
  • The Blood of Manly Men.
  • God Sends Us Men When We Want Them.
  • Running out of manly blood but luckily a Texan shows up.
  • Affixing small electric lights to your chest so that you can explore a basement.
  • The spider that got so big that it was just a really big spider, you know, the really big spider everybody talks about.
  • How our intuition for what makes a person can be thrown off completely by simple biology.
  • Two brains that are slightly overlapped.
  • A closed system that can answer questions about itself.
  • Raising a child as if it is two people.
  • Split-brain patients.
  • Interpreting the two hemispheres of the brain as two individual people who are working in concert.
  • The storytelling part of our brain that we call consciousness.
  • Having control of three legs and an arm vs. three arms and a leg.
  • Trying to relate your subjective experience to other people.
  • What is the self?
  • A dog that likes another dog but doesn't like a different dog.
  • Cantilevered rainbows.
  • Clarissa Explains it All.
  • Clarissa Explains Indie Game Development.
  • Processing events in your life by making games about them.
  • Bringing out the special poetry lady to teach you poetry.
  • Writing a book of poetry where the typesetter also has to be a poet.
  • Writing a poem where you describe the scene from Fullmetal Alchemist where the two brothers burn down their house and your teacher is like "are you ok"
  • Writing a poem from the perspective of the piece of paper you're holding up to protect yourself from the rain and your poetry circle is like "I'm so sorry about your sister"
  • How to write a relatable poem.
  • The extra fridge that holds the food that you don't ever actually eat.
  • Who's got the tiger with the baseball bat?
  • Fragments of different jagged shapes.
  • Zero-Inbox Your Fridge.
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