Don't Freak Out, But I'm Arresting You

00:00:00
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01:21:44

November 18th, 2019

1 hr 21 mins 44 secs

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Lords:

Topics:

Microtopics:

  • Infohazards.
  • Living in a house with instruments on the wall because you're a musician, not because you're a massive hipster.
  • Scientists who would describe cottage cheese as creamy.
  • Pigeon milk cappuccinos.
  • Animals that thrive in the city biome.
  • Anaerobic squid thriving in the oceans we ruined.
  • Honey-loving birds ditching their lame badger companions for fire-making humans.
  • Flame-throwing badgers demanding bird exes take them back.
  • Birds sweating out of their throats.
  • East Asian people have different earwax from white people.
  • Going deaf every few months due to earwax buildup.
  • Monetizing your overactive sebaceous glands.
  • Transplanting superior Asian sebaceous glands into your shitty white person's body.
  • What do mammals have that birds haven't taken from us?
  • The kiwi bird has ostrich-sized eggs.
  • Realizing that the kiwi isn't the size of a kiwi.
  • Thanking people by applying a turkey to them.
  • Missing the rest of the conversation because you were trying to find the perfect emoji.
  • Needing more than one train emoji.
  • Starving because your food options are equidistant.
  • Building the perfect Sims family so you can wreck their lives.
  • Walking into a random house and the occupants being fine with it.
  • Debuting moon landing footage you found in the bathroom.
  • Opening up a cabinet at NASA and moon rocks spilling out.
  • Your bosses at NASA not really caring when you destroy old SETI documents.
  • Cats climbing discarded mattresses to hunt.
  • Sense of thirst being hereditary.
  • Kidney stones as a delayed sign of thirst.
  • Finally getting to the part where the guy wants a mattress.
  • Being finished loving the mattress.
  • The Sunken Mattress Fallacy.
  • Discovering the organ you just destroyed was from the 19th century.
  • Playing music by touching the bones of a dead creature.
  • Being the de facto authority because everyone else knows even less.
  • Putting money into Gene Autrey's savings account.
  • Building good citizens through singing cowboys.
  • Issuing an arrest warrant for secret reasons.
  • Appreciating the 19th-century sheriff's weird forehead while waiting to be arrested.
  • Sitting there on the Group W bench.
  • Teacher rewarding you with the cheapest possible candy.
  • Mistaking your deodorant for tamarind candy.
  • Being weird in the way that figs are weird.
  • Fertilizing figs with your dissolved corpse.
  • Sharing your fig with a friend so only one of you eats a dissolved wasp.
  • Not believing new information because it's implausible that you didn't already know it.
  • Wasps parasiting other wasps.
  • Figs no longer being considered vegan.
  • Closing your tiger restaurant because tigers are infeasible to farm.
  • Accidentally inventing puppies when you just wanted your fox farm to be safer.
  • Collecting a breeding population of raccoons.
  • Rats escaping their cage so they can cuddle you.
  • Outliving your pet parrot.
  • Being an ageless rat guardian.
  • Orcas rubbing themselves on flat rocks and nobody knows why.
  • Orcas rubbing themselves on flat rocks because they're itchy.
  • An octopus friend to untangle wires for you.
  • Uplifting the octopus race merely by lengthening their lifespan.
  • Uplifted octopodes inventing Twitter and becoming miserable.
  • Thinking your chimp knows ASL because it's mirroring your actions.
  • Worshiping Cthulhu in a secular humanist kind of way.
  • Making jokes no-one will get instead of doing proper marketing.
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