74. The Beef Bar


March 22nd, 2021

1 hr 2 mins 51 secs

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  • In my home town of San Jose, CA there is a Statue of the serpent god Quetzalcoatl. It looks like a large piece of perfectly formed dog poop. Everyone calls it "the poop snake." Let's talk about bad public art.
  • Some paleontologists think that T-Rex used its tiny arms to help it get up after sleeping. I wish I had a pair of tiny arms to help me get up after sleeping.
  • Doom 1.0's proto-VR mode
  • John asks "Philosophical questions and concepts you independently discovered as a child regardless of how well-equipped you may or may not have been to explore them in depth."


  • Putting your album on Spotify.
  • Demanding your barista debate you and call him a coward.
  • Reading about the philosopher who owns a coffee shop and debating them about ancient Roman tax codes for hours without buying anything.
  • Going into a coffee shop just to prove a point.
  • The hypothesis that the worse someone is at reading, the better they are at hearing and pronunciation.
  • Inventing a time machine so you can be in the San Jose town square when the sculptor uncovers the obsidian poop snake.
  • A statue of a ragdoll in a running pose with a realistic baby face superimposed on its stomach.
  • A bust of Jesus made out of marshmallow Peeps.
  • Trying to depict a half moon in 3D and ending up with a toenail clipping.
  • The Pumpkin Fucker.
  • A statue of a man being hit in the head with a bottle thrown by a babies flying biplanes.
  • The statue at the border of Berkeley and Oakland they put there to remind everybody that Berkeley is us and Oakland is them.
  • Being halfway through the Museum of Severed Body Parts when you decide you've had enough.
  • The Dunning Kruger effect turning out to be fake.
  • A strange way to find out that you have to stop being smug in this particular way.
  • A T-rex curled up like a kitten.
  • A T-rex sleeping hanging upside down like a bat.
  • Dino Riders.
  • Getting your wish for an extra pair of arms to help you get out of bed at night, but not being sure where to install them.
  • The purpose of Grimace's second set of arms.
  • Hiring a large unhappy looking purple guy to be your chain restaurant spokesperson.
  • Hearing that the t-rex used his tiny arms to get up after sleeping and stealing t-rex arms from the local Natural History museum so you can use them to get out of bed.
  • Deciding not move to the countryside and not heist any more after reading that paleontologists no longer think the t-rex uses its arms to get up from sleeping.
  • The movie ending when the protagonists decide to cancel the movie's production.
  • A topic you didn't write down.
  • A reference to the lord because he's the lord.
  • The Keck Cave.
  • Some people paying thousands of dollars for a VR setup when these lab mice get it for free.
  • Going to a mall in the early 90s and putting on a terrible VR headset that's guaranteed to make you throw up or your money back.
  • The two independent promises of early 90s VR, one of which came to fruition decades ago.
  • Connecting three monitors over an ipecac network.
  • Accidentally saturating the network with packets so that nobody else can use it.
  • A networked video game interpreting any incoming packets as a new game state regardless of their provenance.
  • VR coming to prominence in the 90s after the Garbage Pail Kids made puking mainstream.
  • The R-Zone.
  • A VR setup that only shows images to one eye.
  • The R-Zone chip tune rendition of the Daytona USA theme.
  • Writing a program to convert MIDI music into a monophonic square wave and just accepting its output as the best possible result.
  • Asking your parents for Marble Madness and they buy you the Tiger Electronics version of Marble Madness.
  • A d-pad dressed up to look like a trackball, to fool your mom.
  • Well-designed games that fit within the constraints of the medium.
  • A Game and Watch game revealing its final boss by unlocking the hinge that lets you fold the LCD screen together like a Mad Fold-In.
  • Barcode Battler.
  • A slot to swipe cards.
  • Trying to find the best barcode to swipe to create the swolest Barcode Battler.
  • Doctoring barcodes with a sharpie by making the Beef Bar thicker.
  • Learning to read barcodes by sight.
  • Bleeping out a story with the R-Zone Daytona USA theme if it turns out you've already heard the story before.
  • Convincing a barista to sign up for your Bitcoin wallet software so you can pay for your coffee in Bitcoin.
  • Putting up QR codes of your coffee shop's menu all around the city so curious people can scan your QR code and be like "oh, luckily I was looking for a coffee shop, I wonder if this one is nearby."
  • Tattooing a QR code of your coffee menu on your arm.
  • Inventing the philosophical concept of the toothbrush and thinking "nah, that'd never work."
  • Staring at the bathroom tiles while you invent the Pythagorean Theorem.
  • Independently inventing the philosophical concept of Alf.
  • Alf's real name in the Alf lore.
  • Seeing Alf mourn the destruction of his home planet and realizing that one day everyone you know will die.
  • A real rip-the-bandaid-off approach to introducing the concept of mortality.
  • Alf Clausen, the composer of the ALF theme song.
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