31. seedhutch.horse

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May 25th, 2020

54 mins 57 secs

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chris jenni

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Lords:

Topics:

Microtopics:

  • Being confident in your recording setup because you're too lazy to verify it.
  • The old lady who lives in your ductwork who you can't hear because she only shrieks exactly when you're talking.
  • Finding out about the apocalypse from a podcast recorded months ago.
  • The subtle distinction between self care and overeating.
  • Feeling better about your anxiety disorder because the world has gotten worse to meet your mood.
  • A behavior that looks maladaptive but must secretly be awesome because it has survived for millennia.
  • A poltergeist that keeps turning your stove off.
  • Worshipping gods that turn out to be evil aliens.
  • Trying to make "Christian Splinter Faiths" scan to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme.
  • Going for the cosmetic upgrade before the inventory upgrade and causing your partner physical pain.
  • Clearcutting the entire island you're visiting because when you leave it will cease to exist.
  • Harvesting trees in a checkerboard pattern because they grow better that way.
  • A financial startup specializing in converting British pounds to Nook miles.
  • Putting pounds and dollars in the same bank account and they crossbreed while they're in there.
  • 100%-ing Animal Crossing as fast as possible.
  • Speed runs that are entertaining to describe but not to watch.
  • Bingo races as the improvisation-heavy antidote to rote speed runs.
  • Forcing Caleb Hart to livestream Mega Man X any time anyone listens to this episode.
  • Feeding toilet paper into your inkjet printer to create a cool pattern to wipe your ass with.
  • Using Silly Putty to copy the stock market info from the newspaper.
  • Not being able to print toilet paper with your 3D printer, but printing a bidet instead.
  • Running out of toilet paper and 3D printing corn husks.
  • Buying the Taco Bell Grande Meal to eat the beans out of the burrito and then wiping your ass with the corn tortilla and wax paper wrapper.
  • Skipping a step and putting the burrito right in the toilet.
  • Introducing an awesome person to your friend and then ruining them in the very next sentence.
  • The outside of the printer paper protecting you from the horrifying inside of the toilet paper.
  • Pulping spare blue jeans to manufacture your own artisanal toilet paper.
  • Figuring out how to put your front yard in your back yard to hide it from the HOA.
  • Reporting your neighbor to the HOA for weeds in the middle of a global pandemic.
  • Getting notices from the HOA that you need to power wash your driveway and power washing the words "fuck you" into it.
  • Confusing Day of the Dead and Cinco De Mayo because they both happen in the same year.
  • An object you need to keep safe from magnets.
  • Advice on dealing with floppy disks in the Year of our Lord 2020.
  • Something in France that hasn't been found yet.
  • A Wikipedia list of things that have not been found in France.
  • Burying a microtransaction-heavy game in the desert and hoping the person who finds it is a whale.
  • Throwing a microtransaction-heavy game into the ocean and it traveling back in time and Captain Ahab hears about it and becomes obsessed with finding the whale who owns it.
  • Trying to think of a really big expensive home and your brain coming back with "a bucket!"
  • The train stopping slightly and thinking "maybe society is breaking down" and then the train starting again and thinking "I guess I'll just go to my boring job."
  • Part of you wanting to live in interesting times and be part of historical events.
  • Bringing your axe made out of a sharpened hubcap to work because Phil's allowed to bring his Leatherman.
  • Not being able to train to be a warlord in the post-apocalypse because during the apocalypse all the MMA gyms are closed.
  • Realizing that Amazon Prime Video doesn't have Murder She Wrote any more and wanting to just burn it all down.
  • The magical time in your life when you thought Netflix's selection of streaming video would only keep getting bigger.
  • Conflating Murder She Wrote with the Golden Girls.
  • Deadpanning ridiculous things that happen in St. Olaf, Minnesota.
  • Angry texts from your mom about how you ruined Murder She Wrote by telling her about the theory that Jessica Fletcher is a serial killer.
  • A big city businesswoman looking to take over her parents' failing Christmas ornament shop.
  • CG compositing Christmas ornaments into the background of every shot of Golden Girls.
  • Everybody playing online games all the time now because their extrovert friends have figured out the Internet.
  • Extroverts agreeing to watch speed runs with you because they're desperate to talk to anybody.
  • Finding an eight hour smooth jazz video and eventually realizing it's two minutes of smooth jazz looping for eight hours.
  • Trying to solve playing music with friends over the Internet.
  • Solving the problem of jamming with friends over the Internet by only playing music with precogs.
  • Sticking it to the HOA by dressing up as a weed and when they come by to report you, jumping out and yelling "I'm no weed, I'm a guy!"
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