Refrigerator Roy, or Stephanie I'm So Sorry

00:00:00
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01:14:02

August 10th, 2020

1 hr 14 mins 2 secs

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Topics:

Microtopics:

  • Breaking format.
  • Representing Native Americans with integrity and dignity.
  • A video game that is full of surprises.
  • A baby who wants string cheese so much he pulls the entire handle off of the refrigerator.
  • Little walking chaos machines with a penchant for string cheese.
  • The story of why you don't have a phone.
  • Dying of dysentery because of string cheese.
  • Really getting the soap deep into that charging port.
  • A giant red school bus but instead of seats it has bookshelves.
  • Bookshelves with seat belts.
  • A very serious version of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.
  • A small town with a population of 300 where nobody sees each other except for once a month when the bookmobile visits.
  • A literacy earthquake.
  • A therapy goat that doesn't have any paperwork because you just discovered that being around the goat makes you less anxious.
  • Spreading hay all over the conference room and letting the guinea pigs loose.
  • Guinea pigs who are not embraced by the community at large.
  • Goats and libraries being natural enemies.
  • An enormous encyclopedia flying at your head every time you hit a bump in the road.
  • Small children encircling the Bookmobile and chanting because they are excited for books.
  • Lust for literacy.
  • Removing the governor from your riding mower and driving it over an obstacle course at 90mph.
  • Dividing your lawnmower races into weight classes.
  • Souping up your eight foot chainsaw and every child in town immediately crying when you turn it on because your Hot Saw is so loud.
  • Taking your three year old to see Jaws.
  • Sleeping through Alien (1979) as a six month old shaping your creative direction forever.
  • Buying a corn dog the length of your femur.
  • A corn dog that is so long that you can't hold it and put it in your mouth at the same time.
  • Putting down a blue tarp because it's Washington and everything is done with blue tarps.
  • Covering a tarp with dishwashing liquid and then putting kids in full body rubber tubes and goggles with slug antenna and making them race.
  • Making your slug race medal out of a metal that is constantly slimy.
  • Negotiating getting a minifridge with your future roommate.
  • The special kind of organism that can overcome a plant's defenses to live inside of it.
  • A moth living in your fridge and your husband is like "that's not my moth."
  • Not being able to release your refrigerator moth into the wild because you don't know that biome it came from.
  • Finding out what parts of your diet you share with the moth in your fridge.
  • A symphony of Roys.
  • The ant colony that has entirely taken over the bathroom who are all named Roy.
  • The amount of biomass required to observe you pooping before you'll get embarrassed.
  • Giving a Lordy award to Refrigerator Roy.
  • Whether what a given charity uses your money for is even that effective in the grand scheme of things.
  • Not feeling the need to donate to the charity of the week because you've already given money to an organization addressing the systemic causes of the problem.
  • Receiving more donations in a week than you have in the past 10 years and not having any idea what to do with the money.
  • Giving money to the folks in the office passing the hat around, then finding out that they're using the money to go on vacation.
  • Grocery stores gauging your level of disposable income by asking you to make charitable donations at checkout.
  • Libraries shifting from providing people books they ought to read, to providing people with porn.
  • Judging porn by its cover.
  • Recommending Hot Cops without reading it yourself.
  • Bodice rippers written in the 90s starting a romantic relationship with a rape, but modern bodice rippers depicting explicit conversations about consent.
  • Treating every request with dignity because if you have a cranky day you immediately lose the trust of the community.
  • A middle-aged woman from a conservative community trusting you enough to ask for porn recommendations.
  • A feud in the garden club about the etymology of the Purple Prussian Potato.
  • Coming in every week to ask the librarians how the Purple Prussian Potato got its name when it predates Prussia.
  • A librarian getting through the terrible parts of their job so they can focus on the ridiculous potato question somebody asked.
  • "Unicorn Butt Cops Beach Patrol" doing what it says on the tin.
  • Having to sleep in the same tent as your field assistant for months, but not being able to be friends with them because then they won't take orders.
  • Calling a friend who is a manager at a food processing plant to ask for advice on de-conflicting your field assistants who are constantly blowing up at each other.
  • Hiring field assistants to measure bird populations for eight months, but instead of counting birds they write a critically acclaimed album about the North Carolina landscape and wildlife.
  • All these problems going away if you just had a budget to hire people.
  • Having to carry twice as much water because the adrenaline jockey rushing ahead of you thinks he won't need any water.
  • Measuring plants for 14 hours a day.
  • LI-COR machines that measure leaf respiration.
  • Coming back from your field work after six months and your friends gave up on you because they haven't been able to call you on the phone.
  • The exhaustion of having to be in charge all the time because you live with your employees.
  • Refusing to go to town for pizza because you can't afford to be friends with your employees.
  • Realizing you're becoming somebody's dinner party story.
  • Developing OCD in your first quarter of college and your roommate moving out because you don't have any coping strategies yet.
  • Your time to blossom and find other weirdos like yourself, except it turns out even the weirdos don't want to know you.
  • Discovering that you are crazy in your first year of college and then having to figure out how to navigate this country's broken mental health system while crazy.
  • Maintaining totally symmetrical stimulus on the left and right sides of your body.
  • Steamboat captains obsessed with navigating exactly down the middle of the Mississippi river.
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