61. NHS Surveillance Elves


December 21st, 2020

1 hr 5 mins 15 secs

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About this Episode

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  • Which came first, the beer or the bread?
  • What Big Bread doesn't want you to know.
  • Accidentally setting up your Etsy store in Canada.
  • Selling pixel art with instructions on how to turn it into cross stitch.
  • A cool guy and his cool microscope.
  • Finding cool organisms to stream on your Twitch Plays Microscope channel.
  • Your grandma's room full of jars of pond scum and microscopes.
  • Making dinner wearing a GoPro.
  • Burning out on making your extremely overproduced podcast.
  • Getting in a knock down drag out fight on Twitter with the guy trying to convince you playing video games isn't a waste of time.
  • Cutting your video only when the GoPro is about to overheat.
  • The delight of somebody who is really excited about stuff.
  • Filling your house with ants and realizing you need a new house and building a new house and now you have two houses filled with ants.
  • You won't believe what happens next: ants.
  • Ruining your whole country real bad with your ice witch powers.
  • Using your ice witch powers for fire suppression.
  • Making beverages cold with your ice witch powers.
  • Harnessing the powers of Elsa and a Charizard to run a Stirling engine to solve the energy crisis.
  • Finding the Frozen lore bible to find out if Elsa can help cool superconductors.
  • Principles of homeopathic medicine factoring into the plot of Frozen 2.
  • Sating your hunger for topics.
  • Why fish only pitch and yaw and never roll.
  • Interviewing a guy named "Fish" for an article about fish but never mentioning his name once.
  • Countershading.
  • Having predators both above and below you at all times.
  • The boring answer to every question about evolution.
  • Being banned from Yellowstone for trying to fry a chicken in a geyser because you can only boil a chicken in a geyser.
  • Fish always swimming in the same orientation because they haven't read Ender's Game.
  • No Spine Don't Care.
  • The sh-sounding thing that looks like a capital B.
  • Whether you can read about the House of Lords on Mobygames.
  • Crusader Kings 2: Horse Lords
  • Making your own horse dynasty.
  • Thinking about an entirely different unicorn-based game from the other Lord.
  • Putting "re" in front of stuff to indicate a sequel.
  • Might of the Slither Lords.
  • What the Slither Lords eat and how often they use the bathroom.
  • Believing the lie about Santa Claus as practice for believing bigger lies later in life, such as "life has meaning."
  • Demonstrating to your children that authority figures will lie to you and laugh about it.
  • Baby's First Critical Thinking Exercise.
  • Santa Claus as a test run for evaluating beliefs based on the evidence rather than blindly believing what authority figures tell you.
  • Learning to pretend to believe in all the lies that form the foundation of society, like that you want to talk to the person next to you or that alcohol tastes good.
  • Not being allowed to tell dad that the Easter Bunny isn't real.
  • All the older kids getting to be part of perpetuating the Santa lie once they figure it out, but the youngest kid just getting to be sad.
  • Doing wholesome activities in a sneaky anonymous way.
  • Pirate Santa Works Twice As Hard.
  • The real joy of Christmas being that Santa will never learn your name properly.
  • Putting a barcode on your child's neck so Santa knows which present to give them.
  • A period of heightened observation of children.
  • All the elves working for the NHS.
  • Not being willing to lie to your child so you hire a Santa Lecturer to give a seminar at your house.
  • Whether five is a young age.
  • Setting up a dope haunted house that nobody can visit because there's a pandemic on.
  • Home Alone except instead of defending your house, you're breaking into people's houses to do nice things.
  • The laws of physics and the laws of man not applying to Santa but still applying to your five year old child.
  • The moment you need to explain criminal statutes to your five year old.
  • Permanently ruining your back by building snow forts in a winter wonderland.
  • Making igloos.
  • Starting to carve Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's name in the snow in front of your house during an election year and realizing you need a longer house.
  • Making giant ice buildings by spraying fire hoses everywhere.
  • Providing structural support to your ice building using ice I-beams made out of heavy water.
  • Making a snow maze for your tiny dog.
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