15. More Real Than Tower Records


February 3rd, 2020

1 hr 8 mins 3 secs

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  • Taking a bite out of a cartoon bird and leaving a tooth-shaped hole, like a cookie.
  • Empire Records now being more real than Tower Records.
  • Not remembering record stores.
  • Mowing your face into a lawn made of tiny green clones of you.
  • Trusting that in a couple years your record will be classic enough that dads will want it for Christmas.
  • Trying to glean philosophy and life lessons out of the Bible even if you don't believe it's real.
  • Trying to glean philosophy and life lessons out of Harry Potter even if you don't believe it's real.
  • Star Wars being more real than Tower Records.
  • Mixing methamphetamines and marriage.
  • Language changing to mean the thing people misunderstand it to mean.
  • Drinking tea and watching war as if it's a sport.
  • Wearing enormous flags so people can see at a glance how the battle is going.
  • Pantsed and unpantsed meaning the same thing.
  • The union of shells and the union of unshelledness.
  • The dude whose job it is to take homing pigeons away from home.
  • Homing pigeons basically being a rubber band.
  • Defcon attendees hacking the pigeon timestamp machine to win the pigeon race.
  • Buying a signed shot polisher from the guy who won the International Barista Championships.
  • Going to the barista gym up keep your skills up between barista gigs.
  • Coming back from your barista sabbatical and discovering all coffee is now made in node.js.
  • Not letting anyone else use the espresso machine you convinced management to pay for.
  • Being both a barista and a bard at GitHub.
  • Singing to GitHub employees a tale of the GitHub CEOs valor.
  • The Roman alphabet existing in the Star Wars universe.
  • Being a huge fan of Dyson spheres.
  • Shamefully burying your fanfic in the desert, like E.T.
  • Wanting to live in a pile of garbage.
  • Wanting to live in a desert house, but not in the desert itself.
  • Forming complex structures using simple rules.
  • Wizards just pooping on the ground and magicking it away.
  • Being furious when someone peels a banana wrong.
  • Orienting your toilet paper so it's harder for cats to unroll.
  • Cats sticking their paws under the door.
  • Being sad because the doors are too flush with the ground for a cat paw to say hi.
  • Bringing your guitar case to lure your cat admirer away from you.
  • Waking up screaming about raccoons.
  • A cat's ability to form a mental model of the world.
  • Unloading the front door from memory when you get to the second floor.
  • Never getting the dog you wanted so you get an iguana instead.
  • Waking up snuggling a cold handbag.
  • Whether lizards snuggle with sleeping deer in the wild.
  • Earnestly proposing a Utopia ruled by you and your friends.
  • Doing the Olympics naked being a week-long fad at best.
  • Soccer fandoms gaining political power and going to war with one another.
  • Soccer's popularity fading immediately after its invention, being just one of millions of microsports.
  • Going into the wrestling pit with a spring loaded revolver up your sleeve.
  • Voting somebody off the island of Earth.
  • Biting open your cell phone tooth and the liquid going into a mold in your stomach shaped like a cell phone and pooping out a cell phone.
  • There also being a mold for a cell tower in your stomach.
  • Being qualified to gatekeep a culture because you once dated someone of that culture.
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