100. Cold Brew Ham


September 20th, 2021

59 mins 23 secs

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About this Episode

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  • Lord Chumley
    • Topic Lords editor Esper Quinn weighs in on Transformer lore: "The second ever podcast I really worked on was called Sound.wav, a read-along Transformers comics podcast. I knew nothing about Transformers, and my friend Nell knew everything about them. We stuck to the IDW canon, but my understanding is, Transformers show up as naturally occurring "sparks" (a sort of semi-magical soul-piece) on the surface of the planet Cybertron, which if left to incubate will form a liquidmetal shell, which eventually becomes a full-on Transformer. (There's also something called Cold Construction which takes raw sparks and puts them in purpose built bodies, but whatever.) All of this means Transformers, in my mind, DO NOT qualify as actual robots. To me, a robot has to be built by somebody, but Transformers are just a metallic alien entity. On the podcast, we eventually had James Roberts, writer of the IDW comics series, and I confronted him with this: he agreed that Transformers are not technically robots. Felt pretty smart that day."
    • "Also, again I can only speak for the IDW canon, but Transformers on Cybertron don't have much of a concept of gender at all. Indeed, Transformers who were disconnected from society for millions of years and developed their own culture are the ones who sort of pioneered gender, purely as a cultural signifier. There's even explicitly trans transformers, who were known as one gender and switched to the other, and the storylines are handled pretty well in my opinion! (Other storylines, like the one explaining Arcee is a woman because she was experimented on by a mad Cybertronian scientist, are handled far less well.)"
    • "Transformers in IDW do have romance, and have officially recognized ceremonies for both 'amica endura' (equivalent to marriage), and 'conjunx endura' which is like eternal friendship."
    • "While you stepped out, there was brief discussion of Ultra Magnus and Minimus Ambus: Minimus Ambus is a tiny dude who wears the 'Ultra Magnus Armor,' Ultra Magnus being a sort of Dread Pirate Roberts semimythical figure of the universe. Good character, who has a good romance arc with Megatron!"
  • Is an edgelord phase a standard part of being a teen or what
  • Lordosis behavior
  • Lordi - The Riff
  • Lord Dunsany the metalhead lord rewilding his estate
  • Time Lords


  • Taking a picture of a dog.
  • 140 strawberries.
  • Jim Not Knowing About Video Games Day.
  • Starting with how Smurfs fuck and then moving on to how Transformers fuck.
  • Transformers hanging out with humans because the humans can wipe them in places they can't reach.
  • Where Transformers come from in the various Transformers cosmologies.
  • How Grimlock built the Dinobots.
  • Sitting down with a screwdriver to make some buddies.
  • The hypothetical 1980s girl-child who might buy an Optimus Prime toy if it was wearing a pink bow on its head.
  • R.C., the hyper-pink Transformer with the wide, child-bearing hips.
  • Finally getting to the topic at hand.
  • Whether all Transformers are aromantic.
  • What kind of god would make a car in space where there's nothing to drive on.
  • The canonical term for when two Transformers are in a relationship.
  • Rarified Energon.
  • Prime's Rib, in which Future Feminists complain that there are no female Transformers so Optimus Prime constructs one from his own body parts.
  • The Wild 80s.
  • The British big game hunter who wanted to hunt the most dangerous game, Optimus Prime.
  • Mounting the nose of the plane you shot down as a trophy in your den. (The plane was actually grounded when you shot it.)
  • Whether teen edgelords are still a thing or whether teens are now performatively wholesome to freak out the olds.
  • The Alpha Teen.
  • The two genders of edgelord.
  • Toddlers hurting you so they can practice having empathy.
  • Accidentally promising a cat sexual favors.
  • The cat sticking its butt in your face so you'll lick it clean, because that's what the cat's mom did.
  • The innie arch vs the outie arch.
  • Bears playing 20 questions with themselves to determine whether you are also a bear.
  • The scientific term for scritches.
  • Sitting vs. standing up to wipe.
  • The various orders in which you could wipe, stand up, and flush.
  • Pushing vs. dragging.
  • Tai-chi vs. chai tea.
  • A picture of Lordi getting a vaccine.
  • A toilet in the shower.
  • The scene in Mad Max Fury Road where the guy with all the water hoses down the adulant throng below, except it's toilet paper instead of water.
  • Bringing the ugliest people you know on dates with you so you seem more attractive by comparison.
  • Whether it's still a cold cut if you heat it up.
  • Zombo Cop.
  • Making Video Content during the zombie apocalypse by putting GoPros on all the zombies.
  • Live streaming a zombie trying to walk into a brick wall.
  • Looking out on the zombie apocalypse and saying "time to finally eat the rich!"
  • The flashback explaining the origin story of the huge pile of bloody toilet paper.
  • Whether David Lynch explained something once.
  • The Lobster as a benchmark for bad date movies.
  • Pokemon that are weak to Basket.
  • Scientists studying the guillotine and determining that it's actually that basket your head lands in that kills you.
  • The worst part of the zombie apocalypse: when the self checkout tells you to wait for assistance, nobody ever comes.
  • The lordiest lord of them all.
  • A cool young lord.
  • A Jack Russell terrier named Beavis and Butt-Head.
  • Two dogs, one named Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful and Doc, and the other one named The Seven Dwarfs.
  • Hearing bird song you don't recognize, going to google and typing "Weee weee wha weee what's bird is this"
  • Shazam for bird call.
  • How to identify a bird that ages backwards.
  • An app that can take photos of an object and tell you whether it's a wizard in disguise.
  • Turning 25 and realizing that most movies are no longer about you at age 20.
  • Whether Doctor Who was based on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
  • Gene Roddenberry playing Willy Wonka.
  • The Gum Chewer.
  • Deleting a tweet in which you are cranky about Doctor Who.
  • Doctor Who showrunner Stephen Wolfram.
  • The vicar turning out the be a giant wasp and the author turning out to be a transphobe.
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