52. Speak Moistly And Carry A Wet Stick

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early!

Lords:

• Jenni is reachable at jenni@jennipolodna.com.
• Chris is making cooking videos at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRsnCRAIi-VsRPPX4AtzVGQ/

Topics:

• Possibly having doppelgangers in the same physical universe on the other side of the Big Bang is creepy
• Never interfacing with the cool parts of baseball because the front-facing parts didn't appeal to you
  • https://music.metafilter.com/8889/Jaylen-Please-Dont-Bean-My-Man
• The two kinds of people: people who can just put a dish in the dishwasher and be happy with the outcome, and people who have to wash each dish by hand before putting it in the dishwasher, in which case what's even the point?
• Miko asks "John Joseph Merlin (!) introduced the world to roller skates by rolling into a costumed ball, playing a violin, and immediately crashing into a mirror because he hadn't invented brakes yet."
• The virality of the Cool S
• AZ is the only state in the union where you can get one of every kind of venomous animal in your yard in the same day, I think (edit: except marsupials?)
• Ancient magicks and the price we pay for them

Microtopics:

• The Korean spam company that owns the Video Games Taco domain name.
• Who owns the Video Games Taco AOL keyword.
• Editing video on an iPhone because you spilled coffee on your computer.
• Refusing to use your girlfriend's salty leavings to edit video.
• A symmetrical big bang implying an identical doppelganger Earth across the universe.
• Traveling across the universe to destroy your big bang doppelgangers with the understanding that they want the same thing and will meet you halfway.
• Arguments that exist only to depress people because you can't do anything with the information.
• Whether or not the Big Bang knew about mirrors.
• Higher order thought leading to the possibility of altruism.
• The Chris Hegemony.
• An automatic eternal baseball simulation.
• Guessing what the cool part of baseball is and getting partial credit.
• Speaking moistly and carrying a wet stick.
• Voting to open the forbidden book and now the umpires can incinerate you.
• MMO players voting in a law against running stoplights and expressing the devs to write code to enforce it like it's the law of gravity.
• MMO players designating certain players to run around and hit you with a stick until you stop breaking the rules.
• Finding out about Blaseball by dating and living with someone who is really into Blaseball.
• Refusing to read Homestuck because you've already read Problem Sleuth.
• Baseball having interesting rules but steadfastly refusing to market itself to game nerds.
• When the sausages would race.
• Whether there is Canadian bacon in this sausage race.
• Finding the web site that keeps track of the sausage mascot race results.
• Whether or not the chorizo sausage costume is wearing a sombrero.
• Trading the player who assaulted the sausage mascot to the Chicago Cubs.
• The sausage race promotional posters having surprisingly interesting composition.
• Performing an act of necromancy on Jaylen Hotdogfingers.
• Recreating the experience of people talking about a sport you don't follow except for a fake sport.
• A first-person confessional of what it's like to be a racing sausage.
• Finding out that the sausage races are never fixed and feeling relief that you can still believe in something.
• Whether you grew up trusting dishwashers.
• How to get stabbed in the hand.
• Having dish-related trauma.
• Having an incredibly high spoon to fork ratio.
• Your spaghetti spoon.
• Taking a saw and turning any spoon into a fork.
• Loading the silverware drawer with four slots full of murder sporks pointing the wrong way.
• Existing for four nanoseconds and spending all four being angry about how your husband wants to load the silverware drawer.
• God blaming you when they were the one who made the universe deterministic.
• Refusing to take the dish out of the dishwasher if it's still dirty, because god dang it you did your part.
• Punting a task to when you have more brain.
• Whether viewing your future self as a separate person is universal or distinct to American psychology students.
• Doing a study for the beer money and screwing up the study because you're ordering beer online during the study.
• Hearing about a "costumed ball" and picturing Pom Pom in a Halloween episode.
• Not giving the inventor of roller skates too much credit because he didn't think of putting all the wheels in a row.
• Inventing the car and debuting it by driving into a petting zoo, honking La Cucaracha and trying to steal novelty hats off of the racing sausages.
• Determining whether you need to steal the hats off of the sausages while they're racing or if you can wait until they've taken the hats off at the end of the day.
• John Joseph Merlin's fart remover.
• The Cool S of topics.
• Growing up in a parallel Earth without the Cool S.
• People in the Amazon Basin who've never seen Goatse or the Cool S.
• Waking up in a world without the Cool S and getting to be the one who teaches all the kids who can't draw how to draw one cool thing.
• Finding the Cool S in a painting from 1533, right above the hidden anamorphic skull.
• Neither the Animorphs or the Digimons having been invented in 1533.
• Putting a skateboarding dog in American Gothic.
• Going back in time to hide the plot of 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in the Edda.
• Arizona's death of poisonous marsupials.
• Gila Monsters being enraged at the sight of human testicles.
• Finding a black widow, a scorpion and a Gila monster in your yard all in the same day.
• Importing tropical plants without phyto certificates.
• Befriending the guy you met at the Sprint store.
• The kind of person who seems cooler while they're working at the Verizon store than on Twitter.
• Clinging to any shred of humanity you can find in the Sprint shop.
• The wizard explaining that it's going to be another hour when you can see your curse amulet right there on the counter.
• Apple biting Star Trek's style
• Sitting down at the genius bar and ordering a Roy Rogers.
• Apple running a contact tracing program so they can find out if you know any Android users.
• Finally deleting your Facebook and feeling free.