288. Nobody Has Poop On Their Balls On The Astral Plane

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April 28th, 2025

1 hr 14 mins 4 secs

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rebecca jenni

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Lords:

Topics:

Microtopics:

  • Weft: for weavers!
  • The Weft Zone.
  • A two and a half foot piano with five notes on it.
  • Are you the width of your arm?
  • Pushing a button to increase your team's number.
  • A white paper about how to not get a divorce when you go to burning man together.
  • Teaching kids all the animal names, even the ones they'll never encounter, like how we used to teach kids all the state capitals even for the states they'll never visit.
  • A bird with polka dot wings that could fly over the sea, and John Legend sings about it.
  • Expecting your child to eventually go through every age.
  • Now that your kid is 40, he can clean the poop from his own balls.
  • The umbilical cord being connected to weird meat inside your body.
  • Kidney bean figures connected by glowing blue lines in the astral plane.
  • Being paid to stay at home and solve puzzles on you computer. (And go to Zoom meetings.)
  • All the non-art things you need to do to get your art out there.
  • The Loom on Loom Island.
  • Exhibiting at Maker Fair and explaining how a loom works 50,000 times.
  • Happy last year's birthday! I made you something and it took me this long to finish it.
  • Getting a fanbase who has a parasocial relationship with you and having to pretend not to be a crotchety asshole.
  • What it takes to run a personal Mastodon instance.
  • Getting a call from the school and they're like "your instance isn't federating with the other instances, we need you to come pick it up."
  • Explaining to a six year old about sexual reproduction, DNA, mutations, and speciation so you can explain where owls come from.
  • Explaining to your baby that talking is when an organ vibrates in your throat that makes the air vibrate, but he doesn't know what air is, he thinks there's an ether.
  • What music you can play with the pentatonic scale.
  • Poko the cockatiel sitting Totoro.
  • The intern at the mobile factory who spent an afternoon downloading a hundred bootleg MIDIs so that the mobile plays.
  • Tooting the bad cone inside the house.
  • The person who would be playing the trumpet in your relationship.
  • Seeing someone knitting incorrectly in a TV show.
  • Patching better jokes into the hat DLC.
  • Using a sequence of transpilers to get your code from point A to point B.
  • People who make game engines wanting your to touch the engine as much as possible.
  • Wanting to declare a global variable and the developers say you can't do that but they point you to the bespoke language feature that does the same thing as global variables but in a much more complicated way.
  • Playing the Frog Fractions text adventure with a gamepad.
  • Funny looking pirates who are secretly advertisements.
  • Kidney beans, swans, and other delicious things.
  • Learning a song from a dye pot that turns things green.
  • A piano guitar that you just press on.
  • Showing your husband the Wikipedia page that proves that you hobby exists and he's like "anybody can edit Wikipedia."
  • Making a sculpture of the Eiffel tower without looking at any references and it ends up just being a letter A with the word "Paris" written nearby.
  • A coked-up knitting machine.
  • Spring has sprung so sprang your sprang.
  • Heddles and treadles and gamps.
  • Some of your best Comfy Fingering, please.
  • Basic Sour.
  • Smelling things in your mouth.
  • Getting tired of sucking your baby's snot through a tube and getting an electric aspirator.
  • Starting up Morrowind and being immediately presented with a guy who has a bad case of Bethesda Face.
  • The thirteen games that have looms in them.
  • The looms in Assassin's Creed being kind of historically accurate because Ubisoft's whole thing is being kind of historically accurate.
  • Subscribing to a service that periodically sends you different swatches of cloth so you can disassemble them and figure out how they're woven.
  • Festive Gazelles.
  • Happy Vampire Christmas!
  • Forum drama on Ravelry that ends up with the web designer no longer being allowed to talk directly to customers.
  • Creative mode for Minecraft except for a bunch of old ladies.
  • If you lose your bird bone just wait for another bird to hit your window.
  • Magazines as extremely slow podcasts.
  • Updating your gender and getting rid of your loser middle name while you're at it.
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