48. Long Furby


September 21st, 2020

1 hr 8 mins 32 secs

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  • Being a cyborg and being out of the closet.
  • Doing standup comedy in an empty room.
  • Figuring out the best way to get a podcast onto your phone.
  • Kevin Spacey ruining your podcast.
  • A 20th-anniversary digital Tamagotchi.
  • F2P Tamagotchi all getting horrible pain disorders that demand you pay daily microtransactions or they just scream all day.
  • A large company that operates suspiciously.
  • Reading a lot of Newsweek in grade school.
  • Getting high on your own supply of Newsweek.
  • An eight year old wearing a blazer with elbow pads picking up a Newsweek at the book fair to read about Tamagotchi.
  • Shaking the Chao garden to make the Chao fight.
  • Whether or not Nintendogs go to heaven.
  • Neglecting your real dog because you have an exciting new virtual dog.
  • Sickening podcast guests with your Pokemon Go strategies.
  • The sensor on Wappy Dog's tail that only exists so it can get upset that you pulled its tail.
  • That one banger on the Wappy Dog OST.
  • Your Robotic Operating Buddy's ability to pick up discs of a certain size and move them in an arc around itself.
  • Playing Stack Up over Skype and having to call your friend and have him reset the puzzle whenever ROB fucks up and drops the pieces on the floor.
  • The baffling absence of YouTube videos of Gizmo Furby interacting with Yoda Furby.
  • Steven Spielberg patrolling the internet for videos of Gizmo Furby talking to Yoda Furby and shutting them the heck down because that's not canon. (George Lucas is fine with it.)
  • A village of Furbies living on after the extinction of the human race.
  • Yes! Dad does!
  • Wappy Dog being immortal, but if he did die somehow he'd go straight to hell.
  • Pikachu turning to the player and asking "who was the last person you kissed?"
  • Trying to make a game that creates the same reaction in every player.
  • Confusing Yoot Saito and Noob Saibot.
  • Playing SimCity 2000 on a Game Boy Advance.
  • Becoming a chef so that you can figure out why burritos are better in San Diego than anywhere else in the world.
  • A library raised up in little feet with a swirly tail called The Spang-Dangler Building.
  • A library that looks like a big concrete tree.
  • A library that looks like a space invader.
  • Discovering Finnish Salty Licorice and finally not having to share your candy with your friends.
  • Lurking in the floorboards so that you can visit your introvert friend without them noticing.
  • Those big concrete nipples on Camp Pendleton.
  • Driving from Camp Pendleton to Mexico in less than a minute and then turning around and driving across an aircraft carrier.
  • Doctor Seuss's favorite San Diego hangouts.
  • Whether Jack Lemmon likes it hot in the ending of Some Like It Hot.
  • Taking part in the panda breeding program in the 70s.
  • Not knowing what the San Diego Convention Center looks like outside of Comic Con and just assuming it's always swarming with nerds.
  • None of the speakers showing up for the big Robotech panel at Wondercon so the marketing director steps up with PowerPoint presentation describing Robotech merch.
  • Everyone losing their shit over Robotech skate decks.
  • Singing and dancing when the sky turns black.
  • Trying to hide violence from children so the children rebel by celebrating violence as much as possible.
  • A full-featured Mortal Kombat clone developed by two high school students.
  • Whether One Must Fall stands up.
  • Choosing to release the first free-and-good-enough NES emulator and calling it NESticle.
  • How the mouse pointer for NESticle was actually a severed hand, and only the Windows icon was a scrotum.
  • Keeping your emulation legit by deleting your ROMs every 24 hours.
  • The only place the long-rumored SNESticle was ever released.
  • How early SNES emulators didn't handle transparency so you had to manually toggle the cloud layer in order to see anything.
  • Shock value Flash cartoons before and after 9/11.
  • A gif of a plane crashing into Oprah.
  • Going into work each day with the intent of trying to get fired.
  • Who today is carrying on the Bloodlust Software ethos.
  • Making the same ultra-violent video game as everyone else but adding narration explaining that "violence is bad and this game is important."
  • A hyper-detailed art style evocative of biology and gross innards without actually depicting any gore.
  • A tasteful logo that represents a butt pooping.
  • A barely-visible monster lurking in the background of every video uploaded to Pornhub.
  • Porkin' Across America.
  • Finding people who were already going to make a series of sex tapes and offering to lurk in the background in your Slenderman costume.
  • Training a neural network to insert Slenderman into the background of every movie.
  • Writing erotic House of Leaves fan fiction and waiting for the Internet to discover and reenact it.
  • An art critic giving your life a B+.
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