285. Poop Songs For Roy

Lords:

• Erica
• Jenni

Topics:

• The chaos you missed
• Having a baby is like being assigned a set of hobbies you don't necessarily care about but are expected to engage in full-time
• Do people actually live longer in Greece and Japan or do they just have more pension fraud?
• Too Many Women Become Desperate, by Infinite Sexy Marriage
  • https://bsky.app/profile/infinitesexy.bsky.social/post/3lcxskqdmoc26
• Is it possible to never show your kid Cocomelon and they never demand to be shown Cocomelon or are they gonna find out about it through osmosis

Microtopics:

• Beneficial nematodes: are they really that good?
• How to pronounce "iykyk."
• Singing "beneficial nematodes" to the tune of Hall of the Mountain King.
• Going extreme on the melismas.
• The Saying Hi Chamber.
• Shazam chastising you for singing.
• 100 MIDIs that some Chinese intern threw together in a couple of hours and now every baby is going to grow up with these tunes in their heads.
• Inventing a new way to live that's worse in every respect.
• Having dinner with a friend while grandma puts the kid to bed.
• A baby getting upset because he isn't staring at geometric shapes right now.
• Making sure the baby makes all the right neural connections and not the wrong ones.
• A video of a guy walking down every street in Vice City.
• Twenty minutes of people icing cakes. Not the really fancy cakes, just regular-ass cakes.
• Clutching at your face as the cake icer puts red next to brown.
• Caking Bad.
• A coup amongst the Smithsonian National Zoo's naked mole rats.
• Stabbing your mom with your teeth so that you can breed.
• A horrible skin creature with prehensile chopsticks.
• Eusocial mammals.
• Growing extra vertebrae every time you give birth.
• A Topic Lords field trip to the naked mole rat colony to meet the new queen.
• Intervertebral red shift.
• EBF, EFF and EP.
• Wake windows and contact naps.
• Holding them like a football and making a sandwich and putting the sandwich in the football, and now you're breastfeeding!
• Whether it's ethical to leave your baby at the Burger King or if you need to go fast casual.
• The poop potato who has opinions.
• You gotta draw the line somewhere, and it's sweeping the floor.
• All the things you're not supposed to put in the crib with the baby.
• Replacing your baby with a gerbil because you're not allowed to kiss your baby on the forehead in case you have a cold sore.
• How to tell if a gerbil has been replaced with a similar gerbil.
• Paying $7/month for the NYT crossword but not getting access to the articles so you click on the crossword constructors' notes but you're already at your three free article limit.
• Anthrocyanins.
• Cynical Jim says yes, Regular Jim says maybe.
• The most domesticated mammal: man.
• Small Japanese women having the longest lifespans because they hide in your crawlspace and death cannot find them.
• Old ladies? In my duct work?
• Hoping there are no old ladies living in your duct work because you haven't cleaned in s while and there are probably mold spores in there
• Poop Songs for Roy.
• Thinking of the shrieking old lady as a sonic shower for you duct work.
• The future-episodes channel, where we discuss episodes that may one day exist.
• Remember that time when you retweeted a thing and it turned into a picture of a fish.
• The ransom note on top of peach tarts aesthetic.
• Welcome to lesbianism. Here is your greeting card with peaches.
• Whether reverse image search is bad now or if it was always bad.
• The Poem is Entertaining.
• Speculative fiction about soviets invading.
• The kind of poem you'd read in feminist bookstores in the early 00s.
• Children's YouTube channels full about new wave songs about trucks.
• Showing your child only OG Sesame Street episodes so they can't relate to adults or children their own age and are technically Xennials.
• Xennial Warrior Princess.
• Everything's more true when you're wearing pants.
• The 25th place you can post pictures of your baby.
• The legend of Shrimptaur.
• Hide in the discord and never post.
• Finally writing the tweet that's going to make John Hodgman unfollow you